The Violence Hidden In Silence
by panicpeachpit
Summary: Multi-chapter. It has always been in Ethan's knowledge that Jacob has a short fuse. But lately, it had been getting worse. Jacob's anger spirals out of control. In the fogged-up haze of fury, the brunt of the anger is aimed at Ethan. Both the two are at breaking point; Ethan's confidence is going downhill and Jacob's anger is only getting worse. Rated T for abuse.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N** **This is my new story, which will be under ten chapters long. I posted this chapter on my Tumblr once but I decided to continue it on, this time, with more reasons and a bit more depth to it.** **If you're triggered by violence (both briefly described and in detail), perhaps a few mentions of blood, death (nobody's death that you know, don't worry), both strong and mild swearing, and of course, bullying, then please don't read on.** **Anyway, I'll stop going on and leave my ramblings here! Feel free to drop a review by, it's always appreciated to hear some feedback.**

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"So stupid, so stupid..." Ethan hissed, repeating the words he'd heard today more times than his own name. Screwing his sore eyes closed, he scratched down his arm. He was stupid. He knew he was.

Otherwise, why would Jacob have kept saying it?

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

 **Earlier in the day:**

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Morning dew covered the grass, glistening brightly among the faded green. Ethan walked across it, eyes fixated on the hospital in front of him. He had to work a long shift due to many of the locums getting sick, so he had a tiring task ahead of him. That might've daunted some people, but it didn't daunt Ethan. He loved his job.

"Morning, Dr Hardy!" Noel greeted at the reception desk. "You alright?"

"Morning Noel. I'm okay, thank you." Ethan smiled. "Got a 48-hour shift ahead of me,"

"Blimey, good luck with that!" Noel scoffed, smiling at the registrar. They went their separate ways as more people queued up at the desk and rudely complained about 'doctors spending all their time chatting and not enough treating patients!' so Ethan took that as his cue to leave.

Ethan passed the desk and entered the locker room, briskly changing into his scrubs and looping his stethoscope around his neck. Leaving the room, he spotted Jacob.

"Morning," Ethan greeted in passing. Jacob just grunted, hand on his heart as if it was thumping too hard and blanked him, narrowly avoiding shoving past. Ethan shook his head, sighing, hoping it wouldn't ruin his happiness for today. He'd woken up strangely optimistic, he didn't want to have a bad shift, and he was determined to keep a smile on his face. So he did.

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Ethan hadn't had a bad start to the shift.

He'd had a horrible start to the shift.

Jacob was doing his best to blank Ethan rudely and he just didn't know why.

Ethan had got coffee spilt all down his scrubs by getting barged into by Jacob, causing his wrist to get burned. It had been so embarrassing, all eyes and attention turning onto him, and nobody saw Jacob do it, so they thought Ethan was just being clumsy and an idiot.

Still. He was only two hours into the shift. He could make it better.

"Dr Hardy?" Dylan called. "I've got a patient for you if you're quite finished spilling coffee down yourself."

"Yes, Dylan, thank you." Ethan sighed. He knew Dylan wasn't trying to be untactful, but the mention of coffee made his the burn on his wrist hurt. "Who's the patient?"

"Teenager, she's got-" Dylan was interrupted.

"Ethan!" Jacob shouted over. "We need you outside, there was an accident!"

"On my way, one second." Ethan thrust the notes back to Dylan. "Sorry,"

"Oh, for..." Dylan sighed, shaking his head in pure irritation. "I think I'm the only one who ever does any work around here."

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

The sight alone was enough to give you nightmares for weeks. A young woman, splattered with blood, laid across the pavement. There was a man, presumably her husband, crying over her body and begging for help.

"Sir, you need to sit down, we can't treat her if you're in the way..." Ethan told him, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"The car came out of nowhere!" the man sobbed. "Please, save them!"

"Of course, I'll do my-" Ethan paused. "What do you mean by 'them'?"

"My wife and my son!" the man replied, still crying his heart out.

"Right..." Ethan breathed. He knelt beside the woman, who Jacob was already treating, and begun quickly checking her vitals.

"Thought you'd be chatting with that man forever," Jacob spat suddenly. "We have a job to do, you know!"

"I was reassuring him, he was very distressed..." Ethan said in reply, nervous and doubting himself. Then, he remembered. Now he looked, he could see the bump of the woman's tummy, her shirt covered in blood over it. "She's pregnant, Jacob. The husband told me,"

"Right," Jacob said. "At least you're not totally stupid then if you found something out."

"Okay, her breathing is fine, a bit laboured-" Ethan ignored Jacob's harsh words, turning to the husband. "How many months pregnant is she?"

"Seven..." the man told him, sniffing. "My baby boy..."

"Seven weeks...Oh, lord." Ethan's voice was shaky. "Hello? Can you hear me?"

"She's unconscious," Jacob retorted.

"I'm aware..." Ethan couldn't look Jacob in the eye. "I'm going to start CPR."

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"Right, this is Mia Johnson, she's 23 years old, seven months pregnant. Pedestrian versus car only fifteen minutes ago. She was the pedestrian, and she's no longer unconscious, very much the opposite. She's extremely distressed." Ethan helped wheel the trolley through to resus.

Mia suddenly yelled out in pain. "That really hurts!" A dampness flooded between her legs. Her face turned to horror and she burst into tears.

"Early labour," Ethan noted, desperately trying to stay calm. They quickly began to treat her, Duffy rushing in to help as it was a maternity call.

"Is...is she okay?" the man was getting agitated. "What's happening?"

"She's experiencing an early labour," Ethan told him. "We'll have to-"

"Less time chatting, more time working on the patient please, Dr Hardy." Jacob glared at him. Ethan shrunk under his glance. The others noticed momentarily but were distracted by a loud scream.

"It hurts!" Mia screeched.

"Alright, darling, we're going to give you some pain relief," Ethan soothed. Duffy smiled at him reassuringly and then turned her attention to Mia.

"Right, I need you to follow my instructions, okay?" Duffy asked, looking into Mia's eyes kindly.

"I can't!" Mia sobbed. "I'm so scared!"

"Hey, we're here to look after you," Ethan said. "There's no need to be scared. You'll be fine."

"Don't make false promises," Jacob grunted. Mia didn't hear Jacob, luckily, and smiled gratefully at Ethan. Then her face turned to pure agony.

"Right, we need to get this baby out!" Duffy ordered.

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The little baby boy was finally out. He was blood covered and tomato red, the tiniest thing you've ever seen. Eyes closed, body stiff in Duffy's arms.

But he wasn't crying.

"Where's my baby? I want my baby!" Mia sobbed. Her husband rushed over and comforted her, but she batted him away. "I don't want you!"

"Ethan, this isn't looking good..." Duffy whispered to him. "Come on, little baby, come on, breathe for me..." She kept pumping oxygen.

No response.

"Duffy..." Ethan muttered, desperately blinking to clear his eyes. The sight of the poor baby made his heart hurt. "He's gone, okay?"

"A few more," Duffy said, giving the baby more oxygen, waiting with bated breath. After a minute, the whole room went silent.

The baby was gone.

The sound of heartbreak seemed to echo around the room. Everybody hated to lose a baby, who hadn't even been out of the womb for a few seconds, to a cruel death.

"Mia, I'm so sorry-" Ethan told her, voice breaking. "We couldn't save the baby,"

"You promised!" she screeched. "You promised!" She sobbed into her husband's shirt, who was crying silently, desperately trying to keep a strong face. They all kept quiet while the couple had their moment, Ethan burning with guilt.

"I told you not to make false promises," Jacob hissed, shoving past him. "Didn't I?"

"I was trying to comfort her-"

"You failed. So stupid..." Jacob shook his head and left Ethan, who was trembling and tearful, on his own.

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"How's your shift going?" Cal asked, biting some burned toast. Cal had never quite got the hang of making toast, for some reason. It was either burned or barely done.

"Fine," Ethan muttered. "Just fine, thanks."

"Really?" Cal put his toast down and hesitantly placed a hand on Ethan's arm. "You can talk to me, you know."

"I know..." Ethan whispered, looking at the floor.

"Go on, then." Cal smiled. He lifted Ethan's chin for a second and looked into his brown eyes, scanning them. "Tell me."

"Right..." Ethan sighed, deciding to just come out with it. "I had this patient-"

"Awh," Jacob entered, a twisted smirk on his face. "Sweet! You're being all nice to each other! Wonder how long that'll last."

"Excuse me?" Cal retorted, eyes narrowing.

"You been crying, Ethan?" Jacob ignored Cal. "Can't go weeping to your big brother whenever stuff goes wrong, you know that, right?" Jacob laughed cruelly, muttering more words Ethan really didn't want to hear underneath his breath.

"What?" Cal gave Jacob daggers. "Is he bullying you, Ethan?"

"No..." Ethan whispered, hardly audible.

"Course I'm not!" Jacob looked offended. Ethan knew it was a front. "Ethan and I are close, right? Wouldn't want to hurt him, Cal. He's like a brother to me, and he knows I'm having a laugh." Jacob's eyes slanted. "I heard you were the same when you guys first started here. You weren't being a bully, just having a joke. Same as me!"

"Right..." Cal backed down a little. He remembered how Ethan and himselfhad been far from close when they first arrived, sighing. He'd be a hypocrite if he scolded Jacob anymore, he supposed. "I'll leave you two besties to it, then." his voice was vaguely sarcastic.

But he made no advance to question Ethan any further and dropped his glare at Jacob.

"Okay," Jacob smiled. Cal left them alone hesitantly, squeezing Ethan's shoulder kindly as he exited the room. Jacob immediately sneered at the young registrar when they were alone.

"Remember, Ethan..." Jacob smiled maliciously. "Don't ever forget that you're useless, alright?"

"Jacob-"

"It's a wonder Connie hired you! I thought she only hired the best?"

"Actually...Zoe hired me..."

"Ah, right." Jacob sneered. "I bet she regretted it. You're a disgrace."

"Don't say that!"

"It's true!" Jacob hissed. "Mia's baby died because of you!"

Ouch. That hit a nerve.

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"Dr Hardy!" shouted Duffy from Resus. Ethan rushed over. "It's Mia, she's arrested!"

"Right, now coming." Ethan rushed through, quickly hurrying to Mia's side. He began CPR, pumping with all his energy. He was determined to save her, he had to.

"Are you sure you trust him, Duffy?" Jacob muttered after a several rounds. "He's been a-"

"I don't know what you have against that poor doctor, but stop!" Duffy replied, shaking her head. "Make yourself useful!"

"This whole hospital is pathetic," Jacob muttered. He sidled next to Ethan. "You're weakening. I'll take over, I'm stronger."

"I'm perfectly capable, thank you!" Ethan said with a shaky voice. Mia's lips were white and her face was chalky. She wasn't responding.

"Ethan-"

"No."

"Ethan-"

"NO!"

"She's gone, okay?"

"I can...I can save her!"

The sound of a flatline was filling the room. Mia had been down for too long. Beads of sweat were on Ethan's brow from the amount of CPR he'd done, his throat tight and tears were threatening to fall as each second passed. Duffy placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Come on, honey." she lifted his hands from Mia's chest. "She's gone."

"I..." Ethan sniffed, allowing his hands to be moved. Looking at the ground, he admitted defeat. "Time of death, 14:54."

"Mia..." her husband was in pieces, holding her hand and doing his best to stop himself from breaking down. "My baby and my wife, gone..."

"I am so, so sorry for your loss... if there's anything we can do-" Ethan was cut off.

"You...you can tell me it'll all be okay." the man looked up at him with teary eyes.

"It'll...it'll all be okay." Ethan whispered. The grieving husband nodded gratefully.

"Thank you," the man sniffed. "I know it's a lie but I have to hear it."

"I get it," Ethan whispered. "I'm sorry we couldn't save them." he turned and left resus, Jacob following him.

They arrived at reception and Ethan tried to concentrate on the paperwork in front of him, knowing that he'd need to write all the details down just in case the two deaths were brought up at a mortality meeting in the near future, but Jacob was insistent on being horrible.

"Jesus..." Jacob sighed. "If you'd have let me take over, I could've done CPR better than you."

"It was a devastating death, I'm not at fault," Ethan replied, trying to convince himself of that fact. The medical side of things showed that it hadn't been his fault, not at all, but Jacob seemed to want Ethan to feel awful.

"Wow, you're really _that_ delusional?" Jacob laughed. "Just for one second, you should learn to be a decent doctor!" he hissed these words, but it still attracted attention. His colleagues turned to look.

"I'm...I'm a good..." Ethan couldn't finish the sentence.

"Useless!" Jacob suddenly shouted. Everyone turned to stare. Ethan's eyes flooded with tears and a lump formed in his throat.

"No, you...you're w-"

"I'm right! You know I'm right, I always am!" Jacob screeched. "They both died because of you!"

People gasped and watched the conversation unfold.

"It wasn't my fault!" Ethan yelled back, his voice breaking. Everyone was shocked as the usually mild-mannered doctor shouted. "You're wrong!"

"You know, it's a good thing Connie's not here, she's upstairs," Jacob glared. "Because you'd lose your job for being unprofessional and you'd get sued for negligence!"

"Woah, what's going on here?" Charlie intervened. "Ethan?"

"I...he's right..." Ethan whispered, his temper bubbling down. All he felt was burning hatred inside of him, and it wasn't directed at Jacob, it was directed at himself. "I'm useless, I don't deserve this job." He left the reception desk.

"Ethan, wait!" Cal shouted. His brother didn't look back. Jacob's mouth twisted into a cruel, cruel, cruel smirk before he left as well.

"Jacob's been bullying Ethan all day..." Duffy muttered. "Poor mite..."

"He didn't tell me," Cal whispered.

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 **Back to present time:**

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Tears rolled down his cheeks as he entered the bathrooms, beginning to hyperventilate.

Stupid.

Useless.

All his fault.

Bad doctor.

Failure.

Ethan screamed.

It was painful to do and the lump in his throat just got greater. Hot tears streamed down his face and he knew Jacob was correct.

"So stupid, so stupid..." Ethan hissed, repeating the words he'd heard today more times than his own name. Screwing his sore eyes closed, he scratched down his arm. He was stupid. He knew he was. Otherwise, why would Jacob have kept saying it?

He didn't love his job like he did earlier. He didn't feel like he'd ever enjoy it ever again.

He didn't deserve to.

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 **A/N Any good? Feel free to let me know! (Also, I made my own cool line breaks, I thought they looked interesting rather than just 'XXX's which I've always used!). Thanks for reading, and I'll update soon, promise!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Sweeet-as-honey:** _I'm glad too, it's good that everyone is aware of Jacob's unacceptable behaviour, at least they can help. Well, that's if Ethan lets them. You're right, sometimes people can't just shake off the bad words they've been labelled with and the damage just stays. Hopefully, Ethan can get through this with Cal's help, he's lucky to have such a good brother! Thank you for your review, and I'm glad you like my line breaks too!_

 **Starlight-Inspirit:** _Thank you for your review! Yay, that's good to hear, I hope you like this chapter just as much!_

 **CBloom2:** _As bad as it sounds, I'm very glad you're boiling with anger, that means that I've written Jacob to be as infuriating as he's meant to be! Not a lot of people are fond of Jacob either, to be honest, I don't mind him that much but he can be quite aggressive at times in the show. Thank you for your review!_

 **InfinityAndOne:** _I'm glad you're curious to see why Jacob is taking out his anger on poor Ethan, that will be revealed in a few chapters! Thank you for reviewing, and I'm glad you like my line breaks too! (Also, thank you for reblogging my post on Tumblr with the link to this on, it means a lot to hear lovely things about my writing!)_

 **SuperGuardianNinja:** _Thank you for your review! Jacob really_ _is hurting Ethan, badly, pretty much everyone is dying to give him a slap! Especially Cal._

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 **A/N** Thank you all again for your reviews, it's really good to get some feedback on this as I wasn't originally keen on on it, but I'm glad it's alright! Anyway, on with the next chapter!

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He felt numb.

Every part of him. No emotion was left. All he felt was an empty, bottomless pit inside of his mind and heart. No pain. He was all cried out, completely and truly.

Ethan wiped the dried tears from his eyes. He hated feeling empty. It was such a helpless feeling. He'd do anything to just feel something. Stab his hand for a rush of pain, punch a wall, get completely and utterly pissed, fight someone for an adrenaline rush, think about everything Jacob had said again for more sadness or jump off a cliff for happiness. He didn't, though. The empty feeling stayed and he had no energy to do anything to fill it up with positivity or negativity.

And that was all he felt.

Nothing.

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It might've been hours or minutes that he'd been in that bathroom. He didn't know and didn't care enough to work it out.

Slowly, he exited the bathroom, walking out and overreacting his nonchalance in his expression.

Everyone was pretending not to look at him. It was so obvious that they had been told to give him space and be careful. He didn't want them to have to tread on eggshells around him, but even if he told them he was fine, they wouldn't believe him anyway.

His colleagues had a frustrating habit of doing the best by each other. Most of the time.

Ethan kind of missed feeling empty, even though he was begging for some sort of emotion, now he had far too much of it.

Anxiety was clawing at him. Faint fear was creeping up behind him and it felt like there was breath hitting his neck, reminding him that there was something he needed to be wary of. Or, rather, someone.

Ethan didn't realise his breathing was irregular, or his sweaty and nervous face. Why was he so nervous? It wasn't like Jacob was going to beat him. Although it wouldn't surprise Ethan if he wanted to.

His heart was filled with trepidation. Desperately trying to be calm, but failing. It was so hard to pretend that Jacob screaming at him earlier hadn't broken his heart and shattered his confidence. Ethan flushed with embarrassment at the memory. In front of everyone, he'd been mocked and ridiculed.

"Hey,"

Ethan flinched. He wasn't quite sure why he did that. But it had been done, and Cal had noticed. Great. Now Cal looked even more uneasy.

"I'm not going to hurt you, Ethan." his older brother reassured.

"I...I know," Ethan replied. His voice sounded weak and a fraction of how it was this morning. Back in time, when he'd felt a lot happier than he did now. God, he missed that happiness. Where'd it go? Destroyed in a blink just because someone was slightly mean to him. _How pathetic_ , Ethan thought to himself.

"Okay, okay." Cal smiled, but even Ethan could sense it was extremely forced. There wasn't really a lot to smile about. "It's, uh, near the end of our shift. Do you want to head home?"

"I've got a night shift, Caleb," Ethan replied. "I can't...I have to stay here." If it was the other way round, Ethan would force Cal to go home. But it wasn't. Ethan knew he could convince his brother he was perfectly fine to stay and show that he was capable of working.

Jacob had been right. Ethan just needed to toughen up and accept the harsh criticism. That was he had been given, really. Criticism.

"You've got to be kidding me?" Cal almost laughed. "Mate... today has been horrendous! I nearly killed Jacob when I found out what he'd-"

"I need to get back to work," Ethan hurried away, ignoring his brother's calls. They all sounded distant and foggy, and within a few seconds, he'd gotten far away from him. Ethan wasn't really focusing on the present, he was thinking about the past and only heard a few select words ringing around his head.

Stupid.

Useless.

All his fault.

Bad doctor.

Failure.

Wait. He couldn't treat any patients; he was an awful doctor! It would be a travesty if he was to even attempt treatment. He'd probably fail and all of the patients deserved better than him.

Stay or go. Leave the hospital and admit defeat, or try to treat patients but probably fail anyway. Neither choice was desirable.

"Dr Hardy?" asked someone from behind him, sounding abrupt but gentle at the same time. Ethan only knew one person who could sound like that.

"Hm?" Ethan quickly turned around to see he had arrived at Admin. Connie had her hand on her hip, looking at him from under her eyelashes.

"You shouldn't be here," she stated. "Not after what happened."

"Well, I do work here," Ethan laughed nervously and fakely, ignoring her last statement. "I'd have thought it's compulsory for me to actually be at the department to start a night shift."

"You know that's not what I mean, Dr Hardy." Connie beckoned him closer. "That's not what I mean at all."

"Seriously, I'm fine. All I need to do is finish this shift-"

"My office, now."

"I really don't think that's necessary-"

"I said _now_ , Ethan."

It was on very rare occasions that Connie called any of her staff by their first name, and it was either when they were being spoken to about delicate and personal matters or when she was concerned. By the look on her face, it was the latter.

He followed her anxiously, entering her office and taking a seat as she told him to.

"Are you okay?" She asked eventually.

"I'm just fi-"

"I want your real answer," Connie said firmly. Ethan swallowed.

"I'm..." he took in a small intake of air in a vain attempt to relax a little. "I don't know."

"Alright," she nodded. "Now we've finished being stubborn, we can try to fix this royal mess. Jacob?"

The door opened from behind them. Immediately, Ethan's throat tightened and the room felt very hot all of a sudden.

"Take a seat, staff nurse Masters," Connie ordered. Ethan wrung his hands while Jacob sat down, sitting with his eyebrows raised slightly. Before Connie could begin speaking, Jacob did. It was as if he had an itch which needed to be scratched; the itch was the desire to shoot Ethan down and the scratch was to do so.

"Alright, Ethan?" Jacob asked. His eyes looked dead into Ethan's.

"Staff nurse-" Connie's attempt to start a mature conversation faltered.

"Guessing I'm in trouble then, hmm?" Jacob did one of his famous smirks which made Ethan's insides twist.

"We need to speak about this properly, there's no need-"

Again, Connie was interrupted by Jacob holding his hand up at her.

Ethan felt hot and sweaty. Even if his brain could magically conjure a response that'd shut Jacob up and allow Connie to speak, he probably couldn't say it anyway, as his throat was tight and breathing was getting increasingly difficult without sounding like he was whimpering.

"Has he been telling tales?" Jacob said, slightly maddened, but somehow amused at the younger doctor's obvious pain. It was as if he thrived on creating chaos. "This ain't a playground, Hardy!"

"Jacob!" Connie was getting extremely frustrated by this point.

"You been crying, fella?" Jacob almost laughed. That was as much as Ethan could take.

He got up and walked out, red-faced and humiliated.

Breathing hard, he put his hand to his chest and tried to regulate his breaths. It didn't work. His face was burning and his eyes were wet. Why were his eyes wet?

"Hey, hey, what's wrong?" Duffy rushed to his side, eyes wide and filled with kindness. When she pulled a tissue out of her pocket, Ethan realised what was happening.

"I'm...I'm fine...I'm not crying, it's...allergies..." Ethan blinked hard, shaking his head and backing away from her. "I'm okay!"

He kept walking all the way to the staff room. His mind was misty and light-headedness began to strike. Only just managing to sit on the staff room sofa, he somehow stayed calm enough to avoid fainting.

"Hey, babes." Alicia entered the staff room and began to make herself a coffee. She didn't seem to act awkward, more understanding. She'd seen the whole performance earlier and was clearly trying to make it like she hadn't. Ethan appreciated that, even though the doctor wasn't one of his best friends, he really did. He'd probably have appreciated it anymore if he could breathe properly. It panicked him that something so ridiculously easy was turning so difficult. Air was getting thick.

Robyn and Louise were different as they entered. Louise abruptly patted Ethan's shoulder, strangely kind, and looked the other way, whilst Robyn gave him a too bright smile which was far too happy to just be politeness and had to be sympathy.

"Everything alright?" Alicia asked, looking at him.

No reply.

Ethan's eyes were fixated on his hands which were shaking like mad. A shudder ran through his spine and his stomach turned.

"Hey, you." Cal slumped down beside Ethan, alongside Max and Noel. They were all dressed and ready to head home. "I was going to go to the pub with the boys, feel like tagging along?"

Again, no reply. He felt on edge and tearful. Any reply to escape his mouth would probably be more a sob or whimper. So, he kept it shut.

"Eth?"

Oh no. He was going to cry in front of everyone, wasn't he?

It felt like his stomach had dropped down and left him. He half considered leaping up and grabbing a bowl just in case he was to vomit, but so many thoughts were racing through his mind that he couldn't focus on just one. It was like his brain was a computer and he had one too many tabs open.

Ethan felt a stab in his chest and suddenly gasped for air, realising that he'd not been breathing at all. No, he couldn't take a breath in, that was the problem. Nothing was working as it should!

This was it.

He was going to die.

"Ethan, talk to me, mate..."

Maybe he'd wake up and it'd all be a dream. Maybe it'd all be okay if he pinched his skin. That usually worked.

But before he got the chance, he heard a voice and saw someone in the corner of his eye.

"You lads heading to the pub? Don't mind if I do, been needing a pint all day!" Jacob boomed. "What's wrong with him?"

Ethan assumed that the 'him' that Jacob was on about was indeed himself as he put his hand on his chest and tried to breathe properly. "Go...go away..." that was certain. Ethan was definitely going to die, wasn't he?

 _What would Cal do if his brother was dead_ , Ethan thought. He couldn't even use the washing machine yet without Ethan's assistance and was completely clueless when it came to paying any type of bill. Ethan decided that he couldn't die, not yet, he needed to breathe and live. Who'd unclog the hair from the shower for the 100th time if he was gone, anyway? That's right. Nobody.

But despite the knowledge of all this, he still didn't have the power to breathe.

"Get lost, Jacob!" Cal gave Jacob such a strong look that it could kill a man. He turned to Ethan with a much kinder look on his face. "Alright, Ethan, you're not going to die. I know what you're thinking, mate, but it's not happening. You just need to breathe." Cal soothed.

"Can't." Ethan shook his head. Cal tried to pull him into a hug but Ethan refused, already feeling stupid enough. "No! Cal, no...I'm...not a baby!"

"I know you're not a baby, it's just-"

"Cal-I-can't-breathe-and-I'm-gonna-die!" Ethan said all at once without a single stop. He gave in and let Cal put a hand on his heaving chest and looked deep into his eyes.

"No, you're not going to die. Breathe with me."

Ethan tried to bring his mind off Jacob glaring in the corner and did as Cal instructed, following his breaths while trying his very best to not cry.

"You're doing so well, Ethan, keep breathing..." said a faraway voice. It sounded like Robyn.

Wait. Robyn was here. Almost _all_ of his colleagues were here, watching, judging, and thinking how weak he was! They could all see the tears he was crying, he knew that they'd be able to. God. Ethan remembered one time, an extremely long time ago, that Max had told Ethan jokingly to ' _man up_ '. Now, Max was seeing Ethan gasping for air and crying like an idiot. What was he thinking now?

Well, Ethan knew what everyone was thinking; That he was a pathetic, weak mess that couldn't handle a little bit of criticism.

Alicia had actually been properly bullied by Lily, and yet, she was fine! Why was Ethan so damn sensitive?!

"Perfect, Ethan." Cal brought Ethan back to reality. Ethan didn't feel quite so deep underwater now and the different tabs in his brain were deleting themselves.

Now he could finally breathe. The panicky feeling was dispersing away and he could practically see Cal deflate with relief, as well as pretty much everybody else did too. Ethan was forced to focus on his mental feelings rather than his physical ones.

The embarrassment. The sadness. The nervousness. The anxiousness. The weakness. The I-don't-know-whatI'm-feeling thing which came up a lot.

"I-I need to go, sorry..." he said, sniffing hard as he upped the pace and got away from the staff room. He entered the reception.

Eyes turned and faces were struck with recognition, clearly remembering him from the scene earlier and hoping he'd deliver more entertainment. Cal followed him to reception too, as well as a few others, clearly worried.

"You were right, Cal." Ethan stopped abruptly, handing his stethoscope briskly to his brother and unpinning his name badge with shaky fingers, dumping it on the desk. "I-I shouldn't be working this shift."

"I'm glad you've finally come to your senses! Look, wait a minute, I've just remembered that I need to sort out a couple bits, actually, and I'll come home with you-"

"No, Caleb." Ethan paused, wiping his eyes viciously. "I'm... not working this shift. A-and I'm not working any others. I quit. You all deserve better anyway."

Then he turned and left the department as Cal's face turned to misery and undiluted shock at his brother's words.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Tick, tock, tick, tock.

The clock struck six. Ethan watched as the hands kept turning and the time kept passing.

It was a good machine. Clocks hardly ever stopped. Without them, nobody would know the time (unless they used a sundial or something, but hardly anybody knew how to use those nowadays so that probably wouldn't happen), so it was good that they didn't. Unless they were broken or faulty, clocks kept ticking.

 _People are like clocks,_ he thought to himself. _As am I. Most the time, I work fine, but there's always a chance that I'll break. Some clocks are reliable, others are dodgy, others have secondhand parts, others can break with a simple drop on the floor and others can keep going for years on end. Not me. I'm unreliable._

Ethan sniffed. Something was digging into his back, but he didn't know what. It was vaguely uncomfortable.

"Oh, for..." he got up and removed it. His phone had been buried in his bed sheets. Ethan groaned. He'd been laid in that bed for quite a while but had missed the several notifications on his phone.

 **Cal:** _hey, sorry I want to come home to see u but my patient from earlier just arrested so hang on_

 **Cal:** _Are you ok?_

 **Cal:** _Pls call me back,_ i'm _worried,_ i _can't come home yet but_ i _will soon_

 **Charlie:** _Everything alright?_

 **Lily:** _I really hope you're okay, that wasn't like you at all earlier. What happened with Jacob? I'm here and I'm a good listener if you need me. Best regards._

 **Cal:** i'm _coming home so hold on_

 **Cal:** _You do realise that you were having a panic attack earlier, right?_ i cant _believe that_

 **Max:** _Hey mate, just checking up on you :-) How's it going?_

 **Duffy:** _I hope everything's okay. I think Cal's on his way home to see you, he just needs to sort out a patient who arrested, sadly, but he'll be with you soon. Don't worry,_ lovey _, we're on your side x_

 **Alicia:** i _know what it's like to be picked on, so if u need a chat then lemme know,_ i'm _usually around 3_

He sighed and chucked the phone back down again. Five missed calls from Caleb, one from Connie, three from Lily and two from Charlie. Countless texts littered his inbox. Somehow he must have zoned out earlier and missed the sound of his phone ringing, and the several beeps from texts. Whatever. He didn't really care either way.

Ethan dropped his phone on the floor carelessly, barely registering the thump as it hit his rug, and closing his eyes. He felt so exhausted. He needed to sleep.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

 _"USELESS!"_

 _Ethan's heart hammered in his chest as he looked at Jacob in horror. The nurse's face was twisted, malicious as he glared at the doctor._

 _Since when had he been back in reception?_

 _"Jacob..." Ethan trailed off. He wanted to run away from the gawping people in reception, but his feet were glued to the floor. Quite literally. He couldn't budge an inch._

 _"Completely useless!" Jacob laughed. "You're such a bad doctor, it's unreal!"_

 _"Please, Jacob..." Ethan's vision fogged up. "Don't...say that..."_

 _"It's true! Who'd want you working with them, eh?" Jacob said, smirking. "Seriously. It's a surprise you've kept your job this long."_

 _Connie was stood by the hospital's reception, arms crossed. Ethan looked over at her with pleading eyes._

 _"He's not wrong, Ethan." she snarled. "I've had my doubts about you ever since I first came here and saw you working. I'm shocked you haven't killed several patients by now, in all honesty!"_

 _"Even the boss lady thinks it!" Jacob said, hands on hips. "What about big brother, eh?"_

 _Ethan spun around to see Cal. He tried to walk over to his brother, but his feet remained stuck._

 _"Yeah," Cal nodded. His face turned just as malicious as Jacob's. "You know what, Ethan?"_

 _"Cal..."_

 _"You're not only a shit doctor," Cal's voice got lower. "You're a horrible brother." he laughed. "And a bad son. Both our mums would be so ashamed of you, you know that, right?"_

 _"No!" Ethan shouted, shaking his head._

 _"Yes!" Cal smirked. "I don't even know why you bother. You're not wanted, anyway. You've always known that. You should've listened to those bullies when they were younger and accepted that you're unwanted!"_

 _Ethan's heart raced. Everyone began nodding, looking at him with glares. They were all agreeing with Cal._

 _"Leave!" Jacob began to chant. "Leave, leave!" Before long, everyone was chanting too. Ethan tried to move from the spot but he was glued there. He felt his whole body shake with sobs, trying to leave but unable to._

 _"I'm sorry!" Ethan wailed. "I'm so, so sorry!"_

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

"ETHAN!"

His eyes shot open. He got up with a start, panting and drenched with sweat. His face was wet and his eyes were damp.

"Buddy..." Cal was perched on the edge of his bed, and looked tearful and just as upset as Ethan felt. "It was just a nightmare, okay? You're fi-"

Before Cal could continue, Ethan buried his head into Cal's shoulder and burst into tears.

"I'm sorry! I'm so, _so_ sorry..." Ethan wept like his heart was breaking. Cal gripped him tightly and rubbed his back, making calming _'shh'_ noises.

"Don't be sorry, okay? There is no need," Cal said, putting his hand in Ethan's hair, swallowing back the lump in his throat. The action failed. "It's not you who should be sorry."

"Jacob was right," it hurt to say his name. "I'm useless-"

"No, you are not!" Cal said firmly.

"I-I don't know why I'm... overreacting, I'm sorry..." Ethan felt tears rolling down his face, dripping into Cal's top. Cal took Ethan into his arms and rested his chin on Ethan's head.

"Don't ever say that you're overreacting. If it hurt you, it hurt you." Cal told him in the firmest voice he could manage. "There's no reason to apologise for what you feel." Cal swallowed. "I think... Jacob's behaviour, it might've triggered memories from when we were younger. Those bullies at school were harsh on you. Maybe it was just a reminder and that's why it hit you so hard?"

Ethan didn't answer and just closed his eyes, which were sore and bloodshot, and relaxed a little in Cal's arms. He wiped his running nose, momentarily embarrassed about it, but realising that Cal really didn't care about Ethan's nose.

"Maybe... and t-thank you," Ethan whispered in a shaky voice. "I-I'm lucky to have you."

"I was gonna say the same about you, nibbles," Cal mentioned, smiling feebly and wiping Ethan's tears away gently. "Don't sweat it. We'll sort out that heap of crap, and by that I, of course, mean Jacob. And we'll do it together."

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

 **A/N** Hope y'all enjoyed this chapter!


	3. Chapter 3

**InfinityAndOne:** _I love Cal and Ethan's relationship too! Even if they don't say it that much, you can tell they care about each other. Maybe Ethan will change his mind about quitting, only time will tell! I hope you enjoy this chapter_ too _and thank you for your review!_

 **CBloom2:** _Poor Ethan indeed. Everyone is on his side, you're right there. Ethan thinks he's overreacting and that others have had it worse, so he's refusing anybody to step in because he believes he can handle it alone. Ethan does need to stand up to him, yes, but sadly it's easier said than done. Thank you for your review!_

 **Starlight-Inspirit:** _I'm glad you liked the ending bit, I always have to add hugs in there somewhere! Thank you for your review!_

 **Sweeet-as-honey:** _Jacob's always had a thing for intimidating people, and even though Cal is slightly wary of him, he's more mad than scared! People are torn. They know Jacob's done wrong, but he's their colleague, and it probably feels wrong to suspend him or stop him, even though what he's done to Ethan is awful. I'm glad you like how Cal comforts Ethan, and Cal's description of Jacob is definitely unkind, but I'm glad you liked that too! Lily's very proper; I can imagine her writing 'best regards'! I shall have to include a Duffy hug in there somewhere. He is_ embarrassed _, you're right, but he shouldn't be! Thank you for all your lovely words and the review!_

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

The morning came, just as it did every single day of the week. But it felt different today. It was less sunny than yesterday, but perhaps that was a good thing. He didn't want a repeat of the day before, even though it had started out so well, it had ended awfully.

Ethan could hear breathing beside him. It was unsettling until he realised just who it was.

"Cal?"

His reply was in the form of a snore.

"CAL!" Ethan shook his brother, turning properly to face him whilst still on his back. It hurt his neck, so he moved his entire body instead. Yawning, he waited as Cal slowly woke up. "Finally. You were dead to the world."

"Hmmm..." Cal murmured, too exhausted to formulate any sort of sarcastic remark. Then he gave Ethan a weird look. "Uh, why am I in your bed? Did I have a nightmare or something? Or did you?"

"I did, and you slept here to keep me company." Ethan reminded him, not wanting to remember the painful details of that nightmare. He hadn't told Cal what had happened in it and definitely wasn't planning to. "But you left your shoes on."

"Oops, sorry," Cal replied. "Ah. This feels like a nice day."

Ethan sighed and looked at the ceiling, pushing himself back onto the mattress. "Does it?"

"I'm guessing it is. I can't hear any rain, so, it has to be decent." Cal cheerily got out of bed, almost slipping on Ethan's rug and knocking himself out, but managed to stand up, not dissimilar to a lamb taking its first steps. He yawned widely and rubbed his eyes.

Then Cal's cheery mood evaporated as he remembered.

"Ah. Yes." Cal's face hardened. "Jacob. I need to pay him a bit of a visit."

"No, you don't. We just need to forget it ever happened, that's all." Ethan replied with faked enthusiasm and calmness.

"As if!" Cal scoffed. "He'll be lucky to get away with his legs-"

Cal! He wasn't that bad, so please don't even suggest doing such a thing."

"I didn't _suggest_ it. And he made you cry, so, I'd say he was bad,"

Ethan gave in, pulling himself up and sitting cross-legged like a child. His throat still felt sore from the reminder of all that crying yesterday. "Hmm." Ethan sighed, refusing to meet Cal's eye. "So what are we going to do, in all seriousness?"

"Get him to lose his job, then I'll go on the hunt for a contracted serial - Eth, I was joking, don't look so annoyed. Uh, I'll call Connie and get her to do something about it, she'll know. Then we can go from there, I suppose."

"He was just having a bad day, Cal..." Ethan said miserably. He chucked himself back onto the mattress again. "You can't get him in trouble just for that."

"Right, and he told you that, did he?" Cal questioned. "Or perhaps he was just picking on you for the sake of it. Maybe he's just a nasty person."

Ethan sighed. "Maybe."

"Face it, Ethan... some people just don't have any goodness in them." Cal pulled his jacket on over his creased clothes, chucking a jumper at Ethan. "Come on, you, put that on. Let's go fix this."

"Go where?" Ethan asked blankly.

"Where we work, duh!" Cal said, giving Ethan a strange look. "Come on."

"You do remember that I quit, right?" Ethan reminded him.

Cal paused. "Oh," his face dropped and he walked to Ethan's chest of drawers, not facing his brother as he drummed his fingernails against the wood. "I didn't think you meant-"

"Well, Jacob was right about one thing, Cal. I'm not a good doctor." Ethan felt a twisting in the chest as he said it. Being a doctor was all he'd ever wanted, right from the tender age of five, but it seemed like some things just weren't meant to be."Trust me, I'm doing everyone a favour by resigning."

"No, you're not." Cal turned to face him. "You're not doing anyone a favour but yourself."

"And what's that meant to mean?" Ethan questioned, dragging himself up and locking eyes with Cal.

"By quitting, Ethan, you've decided that you're not dealing with Jacob." Cal perched on the edge of Ethan's bed. It seemed like it pained him to be so harsh, but Ethan couldn't be sure of that."You're taking the cowards way out! Tell Connie. Get him suspended. It's the logical thing to do!" Cal sighed. "I can't believe you're the one being illogical here. Isn't it usually the other way round?"

Ethan looked at his hands. "Yeah. Sometimes."

Cal huffed and pulled Ethan's head up so he faced him. "Come on. I know it's hard-"

"You don't _know_ anything!" Ethan argued.

"I can sympathise," Cal rephrased. "But this isn't going away. Please. Don't quit your job. Don't let him win."

Ethan thought about Cal's words carefully. He supposed his brother was right, as much as it did slightly wound his extremely battered pride to admit it. And wouldn't everyone would think of Ethan as a complete coward for resigning, anyway?

He just had to brave this.

"Ethan!"

He looked up at his brother immediately. "I've decided."

"Decided what?" Cal looked at him in confusion. Ethan knew it was a play.

"Alright. I won't quit my job." Ethan said gently. Cal seemed to deflate with relief.

"Oh, thank God. You've come to your senses." Cal grinned.

"And we're not going to report Jacob or get him suspended." Cal's grin dropped at Ethan's words. "Or murder him, as I'm sure you want to do. We're not doing any of those things, okay?" Ethan faked a mask of confidence in his words. "He'll apologise when we go into work today. I know he will. Then we can drop everything and forget it ever happened."

"But-"

"But nothing, Cal! I don't want to get him in trouble for a stupid mistake, so I won't let him!"

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Work, as expected, was frosty. Many others had been very watchful of Jacob, shooting him some disgusted looks every now and then. Ethan couldn't help but feel bad for Jacob. He wasn't sure why, but he did feel sympathetic.

Many people had been very lovely to Ethan. They'd told him that they were glad he had decided to come into work and reminded him of their efforts to contact him and make sure everything was alright the other night. Ethan had just had to grin and bear it, the horrible voice in the back of his mind reminding him that they didn't actually care that much. It was, of course, a play. It had to be. Why would they care about Ethan, anyway? He was useless.

Connie stood beside Ethan, staring down at her paperwork in admin. She cleared her throat, causing him to jump slightly.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you," she said, seemingly honest. "I just wanted to set some rumours straight, that's all."

"Rumours?" Ethan squinted slightly. Then he remembered. "Ah. Right."

"Jacob's... bullying. And your resignation. Everyone's been telling me how you rather hastily quit your job yesterday." she looked him up and down, noting his usual scrubs, white long sleeved top and stethoscope. "But I see you're back at work?"

"Yeah... I wasn't thinking. I'll... stick around, if that's okay?" Ethan said meekly. "Sorry."

"Don't be. I'd be, well, almost disappointed to lose you." Connie stared down at her paperwork, lifting her eyes only slightly to look at his. "This whole department would be disappointed to lose you."

Ethan managed a small smile.

Connie couldn't have meant it, of course. But it was a nice thought to feel wanted for a brief few seconds.

"Thank you," Ethan said honestly.

Connie gave him a rare smile followed by a statement that Ethan was expecting to come anyway. "There's just one more thing, what would you like to do about Jacob-"

There was a noise from behind them, which was the incessant clicking of a pen to draw their attention, which only stopped when they both turned to spot Jacob. He'd been standing behind them, clearly knowing exactly what they were talking about.

"Not right now, staff nurse Masters," Connie said distantly.

Jacob sighed. "I just want to... sort things out." he looked at Ethan. "Can we have a word, doc?" Jacob asked, sidling next to Ethan, who was pretending to get something out from under his nails to avoid eye contact with the nurse.

"I'm a bit busy right now..." Ethan wanted to say 'yes', but he wasn't brave enough. Jacob wanted one of two things; to apologise, or to tear him down even more.

"It won't take long." Jacob said gently. His face was filled with something Ethan never saw; it looked like guilt. That was quite a shock.

"You can ignore him if you'd like, Ethan," Connie said, quite as if she had forgotten Jacob was there. Ethan knew she hadn't. "Your choice."

Ethan paused, not wanting to leave her side. He felt safe near her. Like nothing could ever hurt him. Even though she was an awful liar by telling him she was glad he'd decided against resigning, it still felt safer to be with her than Jacob.

But he needed to give Jacob the benefit of the doubt. He'd told Cal that earlier during the drive to work. It'd be hypocritical of him to ask everyone else to give Jacob a second chance if he didn't do so himself.

"Y-yeah, sure." Ethan nodded, giving Connie a brief smile, meaning 'I'll be fine'. A lie.

He followed Jacob to the rather busy staff room and did his best to stay calm, half-wishing Connie was still with him. The last thing he wanted was another panic attack.

Ethan could feel some eyes on them both as Jacob said in a remarkably soft voice; "I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry for my behaviour yesterday. It was out of order and completely wrong. It's no excuse, I was having a bad day, but I didn't need to take it out on you. I'm... I'm so sorry."

Ethan blinked. It sounded as though Jacob had practised the whole speech in the mirror, as it had been delivered smoothly and faultlessly. Almost robotic sounding. Ethan had hoped for an apology, of course not wanting to go through with any complaints against Jacob or whatnot, but now he'd received one, it didn't seem real.

Maybe it was just the way Jacob looked so anxious and guilty in front of everyone, something else which was extremely out of character, that was making Ethan uneasy.

"What's going on?" Cal arrived by Ethan's side. His eyes snapped onto Jacob's, shining with slight anger and suspicion. It seemed to slightly madden Jacob that Cal was so snappy, but not enough to be noticeable.

"Don't worry about it, Jacob, I accept your apology," Ethan said genuinely. He turned to Cal and said; "See? I told you. It's fine."

Cal nodded, still slightly maddened about the whole thing, but gave Jacob a scorned look. "Just a bad day yesterday, then?"

"Just a bad day." Jacob replied with more than just a hint of annoyance.

Jacob's mellow mood had seemingly evaporated; Cal's untrusting and mean looks to him had seemingly triggered something. Ethan felt his heart twist and felt the sudden urge to run.

Cal nodded, tutted quietly, and walked off.

"I hope today's better for you." Ethan said kindly, about to turn when Jacob grabbed his arm, and not in a particularly gentle way either. Ethan's heart leapt.

"Thanks, doc." Jacob smiled.

Ethan watched in horror as Jacob's smile turned into an uncontrollable sneer, his head lowered so nobody else in the room could see it.

"-I'm sure it will be. I just wouldn't be so sure that yours will, though." Jacob pinched Ethan's arm and dropped it subsequently, almost looking relieved that he'd hurt Ethan.

It was like it calmed him to hurt Ethan. Ethan himself could never understand that. Ever.

"This has only just begun."

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Following the 'apology' it became apparent that there was one thing Jacob was sure about.

He was definitely intent on making Ethan's life hell.

Ethan didn't even know what he'd done to irk Jacob, but clearly, the nurse had something against him. There was no shortage of shoving, insults, pinching, or pushing. It was like being back in school again, just lacking the exam nerves, endless homework and spending breaks alone. At least his colleagues were on his side, Ethan thought, but they'd seen the entire 'apology' earlier. Just not the end part, that was all. Only a few wary looks still remained, getting fired at Jacob, but they'd gradually died down.

No mention of a suspension was heard of, and after Jacob had fooled everyone, Ethan decided against telling Connie about it. He had a horrible feeling that Jacob would make his life even worse if he told anyone, and after all, it was bound to die down at some point.

Whatever. Ethan decided just to lie low for a while and pray that Jacob would find something else to funnel his frustrations into.

His hopes were shattered.

Jacob thrust a stack of notes into Ethan's arms. "Here. I got you some easy cases." Jacob's face twisted into a sneer as he hissed angrily; "I doubt you'd be able to deal with the more difficult cases anyway, that's why I gave them to your brother. He's always been far more competent." Jacob shoved past Ethan before leaving, looking calmer now that he'd belittled the registrar. Ethan swallowed and did his best to not let it bother him.

Despite his efforts, it did. It really did.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Lunch had finally dawned upon them all. Ethan exited the apartment for a short break, grateful of his time away from Jacob, and took a breath of fresh air. It was so much calmer outside. He could breathe without feeling suffocated or on edge with a thought lingering in the back of his mind that Jacob was behind him, waiting to pounce. Ethan knew that, given half the chance, Jacob would like nothing better than to give him a punch.

"Afternoon," Lily greeted. Ethan jumped a little, turning as she knotted the fabric belt on her coat and leant against a wall next to him. "Good shift?"

"Mmm," Ethan nodded, his reply untruthful. "Better than yesterday."

"I'd imagine, yes. I did send you a few texts quite late at night after my shift, but-"

"Sorry. I meant to answer them, I'm sorry, it was rude to ignore them." Ethan sighed. "But that was yesterday. Today's a different day, so let's not dwell on any of that."

In reality, Ethan was just remembering all the petty insults that Jacob had thrown on him yesterday and didn't want to get weighed down by them again due to the reminder from Lily. It was hard enough to keep his mind off a certain nurse without the mention of it.

"True. Okay, I won't bring it up if you'd rather I didn't." Lily said.

At that moment, there was a clearing of a throat. Both doctors turned around to see Jacob, hands stuffed in his pockets, as he smiled bashfully at them.

"Hey, Lils, don't suppose I could have a chat to Ethan?" he said with a marked amount of sweetness that sounded sickly. "I'd still like to clear some stuff up."

"Sure." Lily sighed, giving the nurse a respecting nod. She'd already forgiven him, but anyone could see the slight wariness that she still wore. "I'll see you later, then."

"Yeah, see you later." Ethan nodded at her with a stretched smile of reassurance and watched as she left. It was easier to watch the swaying of her coat and the way her dark hair flew out behind her in the wind than turning his eyes to Jacob, so that was just what he did until she was gone. Ethan swallowed. "What, then?" It came out more abruptly as intended, making him cringe.

"Don't be so rude." Jacob snapped, using his index finger to stab Ethan in the chest. "God, you really think highly of yourself, don't you? Treating me like dirt on your shoe just because you were raised in an area where kids weren't allowed to play in the mud and sung choirs all day!"

"Don't say that," Ethan said in a voice that he hoped sounded firm. Before he lost his nerve, he shot a vaguely unfriendly look at Jacob and said; "Why are you being so hateful? What have I ever done to you, hmm?"

Indecision flashed on his face. Ethan could see the slight guilt in Jacob's expression.

Perhaps even the nurse didn't know why he was being this way.

But Jacob's face soon turned to anger.

"What does it matter?" Jacob said harshly. "Maybe I don't need to have a reason for hating you. I just DO!"

"But I-"

"Face it, Ethan!" Jacob hissed. "I hate you, and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one!"

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

 **FLASHBACK**

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

 _"I hate you!"_

 _Another hard blow hit him straight in the chest. Breathing was increasingly difficult as the kick to the chest had winded him, causing 14-year-old Ethan to splutter and gasp for air. His classmates only jeered, laughing as Ethan desperately tried to scramble up from the mud, grasping his smashed glasses as though his life depended on it._

 _"God, if only your precious brother were here to save you!" Spat Ruben, one of the school's high achievers who'd somehow gotten involved in the merciless taunting, forever aimed at Ethan._

 _It hurt. Ethan and Ruben had once been acquaintances, perhaps even friends._

 _It meant nothing now, though._

 _Josh, the eldest and nastiest of the bullies, tore Ethan's glasses from his grip and held it high. Ethan got to his feet, trembling and gasping for air._

 _"G-give them b-back!" Ethan tried to reach them but couldn't. His arm hurt like hell and all he could taste was blood, but he needed his glasses. His mother would be furious if he were to return home without them, they cost a fortune._

 _"N-n-never!" Josh sneered, mimicking Ethan's stutter cruelly. He laughed as if was the funniest thing ever as he saw the tears dripping off Ethan's nose._

 _"Ridiculous..." Josh said, chucking the glasses back at Ethan. "Ah, whatever. You can have 'em. I can't stand to watch you cry like a complete baby, anyway, it's embarrassing."_

 _"I'm not a baby." Ethan snapped, gripping his glasses as Josh turned around to leave._

 _Then he really wished he'd kept his mouth shut._

 _"Oh, you've grown a pair, then?" Ruben appeared from behind the crowd of Ethan's other classmates, where he'd been departing as the whole fight was over, but apparently, it had only just gotten started._

 _"Course he hasn't," Josh hissed, spitting on the ground and putting his hands together. He was back in fight mode. "You think you're off the hook?"_

 _"N-no..."_

 _"At least you know something, then." Josh sneered._

 _Ethan hit the floor as another punch was aimed at his stomach. Then another, then another, and another, until he all he could feel was pain and all he could taste was his blood accompanied by salty, hot tears._

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

 **END FLASHBACK**

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Ethan was brought harshly back to reality. Jacob was leering at him.

"Did I give you a bad memory, Ethan?" Jacob asked sweetly.

"No," Ethan said firmly. He brushed his spotless scrubs down in a poor attempt to seem at ease or casual, and said in the most laid back voice possible; "I, uh, need to get back to work now. Maybe you should too, I guess, as it's the end of our break."

Jacob aimed a glare straight at Ethan. "Don't tell me what to do!"

"I wasn't..." Ethan swallowed. "I was just suggesting-"

"Well, don't, little 'un." Jacob spat mockingly. He looked so angry and full of rage, but Ethan had no clue why.

It started to make Ethan's blood boil. After years and years of enduring bullies back at school, you'd have thought he'd had his fair share of taunting and being constantly tormented. Apparently not. No, apparently he had to relive those horrible memories of the bullying and replay them again, at a time in his life where Ethan never expected it to happen. The thought that this was happening, as Jacob's tormenting really wasn't going away, made Ethan's blood boil even more.

"Why don't you just leave me alone?" Ethan hissed, reaching his breaking point at long last. He tried to get past Jacob, only to be blocked, so he suddenly pushed him hard in the chest. Regret filled him immediately.

The nurse didn't budge an inch, but his face turned to pure resentment as he smacked Ethan hard across the face. It was as if it relieved all of the worries in the world.

"Don't-" Jacob grabbed Ethan's hand, which had flown straight to his stinging cheek. "Be-" Nobody was around to save him as Jacob tightened his grip. "So-" Ethan could feel bruises. "Rude." Jacob's hand reached higher up Ethan's arm, digging his nails into it. Ethan saw as Jacob's frustrations were evaporated by the more pain he dished out, but Ethan had no power to tear Jacob off of him. "You'll regret it. Don't cross me again."

Jacob made sure he'd dug as far as he could into Ethan's arm, leaving faint marks and bloody half circles from his nails, and then turned and calmly walked back into the quiet department as if nothing had ever happened.


	4. Chapter 4

**Teeloganroryflan:** _Aw thank you, I'm really happy to hear that you are! Thank you for your review!_

 **Tanith Panic:** _Thank you for all three of your reviews on the previous chapters, it's lovely to hear your feedback! It's cool that you're curious as to why Jacob's acting that way, and the answer will be revealed soon. I hope it's not a disappointment at all. Thank you again for your reviews, and I hope you enjoy this update!_

 **InfinityAndOne:** _Ethan's definitely a bad liar, but he's good at hiding things when he feels he needs to! It'd be so much easier if he just told everyone what was going on, but he feels he can deal with it alone. And I couldn't help but add a bit of caring Connie in there, I like that side of her a lot! Thank you for your review and I hope you like this next chapter!_

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

 **THREE MONTHS LATER**

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Jacob's heart was hammering in his chest. It had been doing so all morning, and it was hardly a rare occurrence nowadays.

He held a hand to it, staring at his exhausted face in the mirror of his bathroom and desperately trying to cope with his chest tightening. Jacob had no way of relieving himself from any of it, he was left to struggle at the hands of his obviously faulty heart which was under the impression it was a hammer. He wanted it to stop, so badly, but it wouldn't.

He tried to pour himself some water straight from the tap, using the cup resting on the sink. Before it had even reached his mouth, a tremor ran through his arm and struck his hand, causing the glass of water to slip from his grasp.

The glass shattered into millions of pieces on the tiled bathroom floor, only just missing his bare feet.

Jacob's whole body filled head to toe with utter anger at every single part of this maddening planet. It took great strengths to avoid launching a fist at the bathroom mirror, which held the appearance of a man who was trembling with fury, but he managed it.

Jacob's mind flashed to someone. A bloke, doctor, glasses, easy to tower over, blond hair.

This person was also a great punching bag. Both mentally and physically, if that made sense.

Many people were, but not many people allowed Jacob to get away with such extremes. Ethan, it seemed, had just given up.

Sure, Jacob felt masses of guilt after throwing a fist or hearing his own voice go hoarse after screaming at Ethan so much, but whilst these feelings of anger just got stronger, he needed to find someone who he could let them out on.

He'd deal with the guilt later.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Ethan's daily routine stayed the same as it had done for the past three months.

The drive to work, as always, would be quiet and mainly just Cal chatting to Ethan, trying to get some sort of conversation going but failing. Ethan would keep quiet, hardly uttering a word to everyone and only nodding in response to the usual 'good morning' that he'd received from many people. He would stay reserved for the remainder of the day, too anxious to eat a full lunch in the knowledge that Jacob was usually the worst during lunch breaks, and survive off of coffee instead.

The slightest thought of Ethan having to spend any time with that nurse could immediately reduce him to tears or cause his chest to constrict. It was getting worse lately.

Ethan had just finished not eating his lunch when Jacob arrived for his shift, which the nurse hadn't actually meant to be working. It was only because one of the agency nurses had a family emergency that Jacob was called in at such an odd time.

Shame. Ethan's day had been going remarkably well and he'd even joined in on some conversation earlier, which was a rarity. The hope of his day staying good had been torn in two.

"I need to talk to you in the locker room," Jacob said roughly. He glared at Ethan and said; "Once you've finished stuffing your face, that is."

"S-sure, whatever you want." Ethan said quickly.

He'd weakened even though he'd said to himself (as always) that he'd stay strong and firm. He had veered off ever having the nerve to talk back to Jacob ever again. It resulted in an undesirable consequence, mainly in the form of more bruises or words that he was sure would never leave him.

Jacob watched Ethan with hawk eyes as they exited the staff room, unnoticed by their laughing colleagues who were by cubicles, and into the locker room.

Jacob turned and shot a glare at Ethan that was as sharp as freshly cut glass.

"Good day?" Jacob questioned. Ethan's voice wouldn't work so he nodded hurriedly instead.

"Talk!" Jacob launched his fist into a locker. Ethan saw Jacob's pain from doing so, but it was nothing compared to the pure relief that the nurse clearly got from funnelling his anger physically. "Speak. Tell me how good it's been. What are you, mute? Speak!"

"Uhm... i-it's been okay, I saved someone after they g-got hit by a bus, nobody thought I could do it but-"

"Let me guess, you had a helping hand from someone?" Jacob raised an eyebrow. "Cal? Dylan? Lily?"

"Dylan." Ethan said in a small voice.

"Ah. I could say, it wouldn't make any sense if you somehow saved a patient." Jacob pushed Ethan into a corner of lockers, making the metal ring. "Oh, sorry, did that hurt? Anyway, I imagine Dylan did all the work. He's a remarkable doctor, isn't he?"

"Yes." Ethan agreed weakly, rubbing his shoulder which had hit the locker. He could practically see the bruises which he'd be hiding from everyone later.

And yes, he needed to conceal the bruises. Everyone would think he was being so weak otherwise, allowing himself to be used as a personal punchbag.

Perhaps he was weak.

Scratch the ' _perhaps_ '. Ethan knew that he was the most spineless doctor to walk the floors of Holby, and that hurt more than Jacob's harsh slap across the face that made Ethan's cheek sting.

"Pay attention!" snapped Jacob as he glared at Ethan and continued on. "Such knowledge, he's amazing at decision making, he can handle when things get tough...Why are you crying?"

Ethan could feel the tears rolling down his face. They had just appeared for no reason and it ashamed him.

"I... I'm not." Ethan wiped them away.

"Good. You'd look even more pathetic- Ah..." Jacob placed a hand on his chest, breathing in such a way that Ethan could notice it was hard for Jacob to do. Ethan immediately switched into doctor mode.

"What's wrong?" Ethan questioned. "This keeps happening, Jacob... the palpitations, chest tightness, it's worth looking into just in case something is-"

"It's nothing!" Jacob hissed, looking straight back at Ethan and aiming a spiteful look at him.

"No, it's clearly something!" Ethan said, worried. His concern was throwing all his usual caution out of the window.

"I said-" Jacob's face twisted in anger. "-it's nothing!"

"I just want to make sure you're okay, Jacob, what if there's something medically..."

Jacob's eyes slanted as he cut Ethan off. "Shut up."

"I'm telling someone. I'm worried about you." Ethan tried to pass Jacob, knowing that he was doing the right thing for Jacob's health, but was stopped.

Jacob rammed Ethan into a locker, making the loud noise of it echo around the room. He wrapped his hands around Ethan's neck tightly, his hands meeting around.

"J...Ja..Jacob-" Ethan choked out, desperately trying to get Jacob off, but he had little to no strength. He felt his eyes fill with terrified tears that begun to run down his pale face."Pl...please..."

"There's nothing wrong with me! I'm fine!" Jacob screamed, his hands shaking with anger as they tightened of their own accord around Ethan's neck. It was like he couldn't control it. "You deserve this for trying to make me-"

The locker room door opened. Jacob instinctively had let go of Ethan's neck with guilt painted all over his once rageful face. Ethan gasped and spluttered, his lungs screaming for the air which he'd been so badly deprived of. It felt like he was going to pass out.

"What's going on in here?" Charlie questioned, looking at both of them. He shot Jacob an untrustful look before arriving immediately at Ethan's side. Whilst rubbing Ethan's back, Charlie turned back to Jacob. "What did you do?!"

Jacob looked stuck for words. He'd cooled down now and the anger had disintegrated into nothing. "I-"

"Save it," Charlie put an arm around Ethan's waist, finding a wad of tissues in his dark scrubs for the doctor to wipe his face with. Ethan was still crying uncontrollably, trying to stop but having no strength to. "It's alright. Come on, son, let's sort you out."

Charlie gave Jacob a look which was a cross between pure anger and almost hate, before rubbing Ethan's shoulder and leaving the locker room. Charlie slammed the door behind him.

They stood, quite close to the reception desk but out of earshot from the others. Duffy was filing paperwork over there when she noticed them.

"What on earth-" Duffy rushed over, her eyes scanning Charlie's face for an explanation. She shielded the crying doctor from the others at the reception desk. "There are red marks round your neck, Ethan..."

"It's f-fine." Ethan said in a strangled voice. His heart was still beating far too fast.

"Come here, it's okay..." Duffy allowed Ethan to step into her embrace, wrapping her arms around him and putting her hand on the back of his head. She shushed him gently, hearing the sound of his breath catching and feeling her heart break.

"I'm okay." Ethan sniffed, eventually having to pull away from her. He'd left tears and snot on her scrub top, which would have probably embarrassed him if she hadn't pretended not to notice. "It's okay."

"No, it's not! Did Jacob do this to you?" Charlie asked, watching empathetically as Ethan's eyes filled again and looking like he was going to cry himself.

Ethan just stared at the floor.

He couldn't possibly tell anyone. What if Jacob lost his job because of it? Then all sorts could happen. Ethan knew Jacob wasn't the sort of person to be prepared for the worst to happen, he wouldn't have savings. Jacob would be short on money, he'd be broke, lose his home, he could even end up on the streets. It'd be all Ethan's fault.

Just because Ethan couldn't stand up for himself.

Maybe it wasn't completely his fault, but despite everything, he still didn't want to drop the blame at Jacob's feet. After all, hadn't he been winding Jacob up? Maybe. Ethan's mind was surrounded by a fog so it was difficult to remember.

But Jacob had strangled Ethan with such malice that it was hard to forgive.

"This is ridiculous, he has no right to do that to you. I'm going to get Connie, this has to be dealt with." Duffy was about to hurry off when Charlie stopped her.

"She's not on shift today, we'll need to see Elle instead unless she's in meetings. Could you check for me, love?" Charlie asked.

"Course." Duffy said, giving Ethan's hand a squeeze before walking off.

"And I'll deal with Jacob." Charlie decided.

"Y-you're going to leave me?"

"No. I'll get your brother, okay?" Charlie rubbed Ethan's back and waited for him to rub away the rest of his tears. "Cal!"

Ethan's brother walked over to Charlie, switching from laid back to the over-protective person that always appeared whenever Ethan got hurt. "What happened?!"

"I'll explain later, I need to talk to Jacob, I can hear him smashing things in there." Charlie looked like he wanted to hug Ethan but was forced to leave when there was a loud noise of glass shattering on the floor from the locker room. A traumatised Ethan shook and tried not to cry again.

"Come on, let's go to the staff room." Cal said calmly, putting his arm around Ethan in a vain attempt to help compose them both. It didn't work. Ethan just trembled as there was yet another smash from the locker room and Cal needed to wrap his arms around him as he burst into tears again.

"What did he do?" Cal questioned desperately whilst ushering his brother past their colleagues. They were starting to hear Ethan's strangled sobs. Cal knew that Ethan would be embarrassed if anyone saw him cry so Cal made sure to keep him hushed.

"Can't t-tell you." Ethan wailed into Cal's scrub top.

"Okay, okay, that's fine."

Apparently, they'd reached the empty staff room by the sounds of Cal's gentle coaxing to sit down, rubbing Ethan's back. It only took a few seconds for Cal to notice the red marks around Ethan's neck, clearly in the shape of hands. The worst part was, Cal knew exactly who those hands belonged to. Someone who he could consider an acquaintance, perhaps even a friend when they saw eye-to-eye. Not anymore.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Minutes had passed on by. Cal was getting nervous as they grew, watching Ethan as he sniffed and tried to control his tears. Cal didn't know what to do.

"Did he choke you?" Cal asked all of a sudden. His voice was shaky as the true weight of the situation hit him, over and over.

He should've protected Ethan from this. That was what he was here for, right? To take care of his brother like he always promised he would. But no. Now Ethan had gotten hurt and Cal was really feeling the guilt.

"No." Ethan wiped his nose, which was running as if it was a tap. Cal should've known that Ethan would be a stubborn so-and-so, he always had been.

"Don't lie to me, I know he did," Cal said. Despite his response which was worded strongly, it was said as far from firmly as you could get.

Cal's composure was crumbling. But so was Ethan's, and at least that meant that some truth was going to come out.

"I don't want him to get in trouble, Cal..." said Ethan in a broken and sad voice. Looking at his hands for a second, he decided to confide in his brother. "I think... he's ill."

"What sort of ill?" Cal asked. He moved up next to him and put an arm around Ethan so that could rest his head on him.

"So... he gets really angry all of a sudden and then... he has a go at me or hits me. Then he's calm." Ethan sniffed. "And his chest hurts before he does anything to me. I think it gets tight or something, and he was holding a glass once to hit me with once but it fell on the floor because his hand suddenly shook."

"He was going to hit you with a glass?!" Cal said. He let go of his brother and put his hands on his shoulders instead so Ethan was forced to look straight at him. "Ethan. Tell me now. How long has this been going on?"

At first, it seemed like Ethan was going to stay quiet and return back to stubbornness again. But as Cal looked at Ethan with watery eyes, his mind clearly had changed. "Three months."

Cal looked like he'd been smacked across the face. "You... you didn't tell me?"

"I just don't want to get Jacob into trouble." Ethan said sadly.

"Oh, Ethan..." Cal sighed and gave Ethan another big hug. "What are you like, eh?"

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 **A/N More soon! I hope this hasn't rushed on too quickly, I just didn't want to drag it out and make it boring.**


	5. Chapter 5

**CBloom2:** _It's good to know that you don't just see Jacob as the angry, malicious person I've put him across as, and have realised there's more underneath the surface! Yes, Ethan really has put up with a lot, but he's still concerned about the nurse who put him through hell. Thank you for your lovely words and the review!_

 **InfinityAndOne:** _It does sound like there is something up, yes, and I'm glad you're seeing that there is more to Jacob in this fic than just anger and violence._ Ethan's so _concerned for Jacob but he doesn't really get any thanks for it, instead, he ends up getting hurt even more. It is wrong what Jacob's doing. It is good that Cal knows and he will most likely want to help, but the question is; will Ethan let him? I hope you enjoy this chapter too and thank you for your review!_

 **Tanith Panic:** _That's quite a relief, I'm very relieved you don't think I can be boring, I do worry about that often! It may have bad consequences, you're right, and Ethan's whole situation isn't quite over yet. Thank you for your review!_

 **TVObsessedGirl28:** _I'm glad you think so! Yes, you're right there, Ethan's being rather forgiving with it all and would be quite upset if any harm were to come to Jacob. But I'm sure Cal will definitely be having some firm words with Jacob at some point! Thanks for your review!_

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 **Important A/N** I just wanted to put a trigger warning here, I haven't written the ending of this whole thing yet and ended up adding some scenes which could be quite difficult to read for some people. So I'm going to trigger tag this now: ' **TW Mention/Act Of Self Harm** '. There may be some on later chapters. I'm really sorry I didn't add this tag earlier and please do look at the first chapter for the other trigger warnings too for your safety. Xxx

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News had spread like wildfire. The source of this figurative fire was unknown, but Ethan and Jacob's business was no longer secret. Connie had been called in from her day off, due to arrive soon but was stuck in traffic, both fuming and shocked that her ex-boyfriend would do something like that. Pretty much everybody was, to be fair.

Ethan had batted away their concerns and sympathies, hating the attention caused by all of it, and reassured them all that he was okay. It wasn't believed, however. In all honesty, he didn't blame them for calling his bluff. With red marks around his neck, tear tracks on his face, bloodshot eyes and the inability to leave his big brother, it was difficult to believe himself when he said he was ' _perfectly fine_ '.

"I can't believe this," Elle broke through the barrier of silence. Eyes turned to look at her. "I just can't."

"Well, you'd better start believing it," Cal said in response to Elle, who was still incredulous, pacing the now full staff room.

Everyone was meant to be working, but as always, when gossip happened, work came to a standstill and everyone just _had_ to know what was going on.

"I know he's always been a little... short tempered. But I'd never have expected this." Elle said.

"And three months, you said?" Robyn questioned Ethan, who was sat very close to his brother. She didn't give him a chance to reply when she said softly: "You should've told us,"

"Yeah, you should've." Louise cut in, sounding far sharper than anyone else in the room. "He could get started on anyone. You weren't the only one in danger."

"Jacob's not dangerous!" Elle laughed. "Don't be so hasty. I imagine it was just a few slaps and insults we're talking about here, knowing Jacob. He'd never hurt Ethan that much. I can't imagine he was that bad."

Ethan looked at her smiling face and felt maddened. She was trivialising the whole experience. She had no clue about the nights he'd spend with a pack of frozen peas to his latest bruise, unable to sleep with his chest tight as the words Jacob had screamed at him earlier on swirled around his head. He'd work himself up to the point of remembering old memories back at school, then he'd have to calm himself down desperately and quietly, not wanting to wake his brother at 3:00 AM.

She had no idea how hard it was. Now Ethan looked back, it became clear that not even _he_ had realised how much he was actually struggling with dealing with everything. Keeping it all secret just to make sure Jacob didn't endanger his job was putting a giant strain on Ethan.

It was hardly a surprise when he snapped at her.

"He strangled me, Elle. He told me how useless I was every single day, belittled me in front of patients, made me lose all confidence I've spent so many years building back up, he used me as a personal punchbag whenever he pleased, and now you're telling me that he ' _he wasn't all that bad_ '... as if you even have a clue!"

"Ethan, don't work yourself up-" Cal's words were heard on deaf ears.

"He's my _best_ friend, Ethan, I'm not believing any of that until I hear it from him!" Elle retorted, extremely loyal to the nurse whose whereabouts were unknown. "How do we know you're not making nearly all of this up?"

Ethan stood up and pulled up his top wordlessly, revealing his torso which was littered with bruises. After her mouth had dropped and her eyes had filled, he showed her his arms which were usually hidden by long sleeves. Fingerprints and bloody scratch marks covered them, both his arms decorated purple and red. Everyone looked appalled and Cal was crying by the time Ethan sat back down, who was looking perfectly calm and collected.

"I... I'm so sorry..." Elle whispered, looking at her hands. "I'm so sorry."

"It's fine." Ethan lied. He couldn't help but add: "It's not like I have hand prints on my neck from where your ' _best friend_ ' strangled me, so how were you meant to know?!"

Elle's eyes were brimming and Ethan immediately berated himself for being so spiteful.

The sort of tone he used wasn't dissimilar to a particular nurse's one, and that scared him.

"I'm sorry, Elle. That was unnecessary," Ethan reached out and rubbed her shoulder guiltily, wishing he'd have just kept quiet because now everybody looked extremely uncomfortable and some even looked tearful.

"Don't worry about it." Elle discreetly wiped underneath her eyes. Well, she thought it was discreet, anyway, but Ethan could see her mascara running.

They all sat in silence for a little while. Ethan blankly passed Cal a tissue to wipe his face with, rubbing his arched back absentmindedly. It hurt to know that his brother was hurting too, and there was nothing he could do to take the feeling away.

Lily spoke first, stood by the sink and leaning against the counter. "Jacob's probably going to get kicked out, isn't he? Or suspended, at the very least."

Those were the first things she'd said for a while, and they were the things that everyone else was thinking, too.

"Probably, yes." Elle nodded sadly.

"No, he can't," Ethan said, surprising everyone.

"You of all people, refusing Jacob to get what he deserves?" Lily said, scoffing.

"He didn't mean to hurt me. There's something which is forcing him to do it. Something medical, maybe even psychological, I'm not sure yet." Ethan paused. "With a few tests, I can prove it."

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Jacob had long since left the locker room. Charlie had gone in to see him after taking Ethan to a different room but the words had flown over Jacob's head. He'd smashed a mirror (maybe it was a mirror, Jacob wasn't sure, he'd been too rageful and guilty to pay attention to his actions) and then just strode straight past him.

He stood in the empty resus. He wasn't sure where else to go, it was either packed with his colleagues or other people or held reminders of places he'd hit or had a go at Ethan.

God, he felt so guilty. He'd pinned Ethan against a locker and choked him mercilessly, and the worst thing was, Jacob had enjoyed doing it. With every cry of pain he heard, every nervous shake of the head, every indication that Jacob was winning, it fuelled him. It was such a relief to lash out, whether it was aimed towards a hard locker or a person's soft stomach, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders whilst the deed was being done.

But the guilt he was forced to bear afterwards was heavy on his mind.

Jacob paced resus. Nobody had noticed him in there, probably far too busy dealing with Ethan, who had been crying hysterically the last time Jacob had seen him. Another stab plunged deeply into Jacob's chest, punishing him for his sins. How dare he do that to someone? It was wrong. Ethan would hate Jacob for the rest of his life, and the hardest part about it was that Jacob knew it was all his own fault.

"Jacob?"

He turned abruptly to the sound of the voice he knew so well. His heart had started hammering again and rage was building up in his veins.

Jacob hated this.

Hate, hate, hate. He didn't want to be angry. He didn't want to tremble. He didn't want to be glaring at the one person he'd been feeling guilt towards only a few seconds ago.

He could control it this time, though.

Could he?

"Stay back, Ethan..." Jacob warned.

Jacob could see Cal, Charlie and a few others by the door. It actually saddened him to see their terrified looks as if they were scared he'd hurt them, and how Cal ran in after his brother to try and pull him out of the room.

"No!" Ethan said, batting his brother off lightly. "Jacob, they're going to end up suspending you, or worse, you'll be forced to leave here. You need to help me prove that you're not a bad person. You're not j _ust_ angry, there's something else underneath the surface. This isn't you! This is something you can deal with, trust me."

He watched as Ethan untangled himself from Cal's protective grasp.

Jacob's heart was pounding wildly in his chest and grabbed the nearest object he could. The reason he did this was unknown, but it was probably just because he really needed something to keep Ethan back and away from him. When the anger took control again, he'd need to make sure Ethan stayed away.

The object was a scalpel. He pointed it in front of him, aimed straight at Ethan.

"I'm warning you, stay back!" Jacob spat. "I'll hurt you, Ethan, I know I will. Get out before it happens again."

"You can control the anger, Jacob!" Ethan said desperately. It was clear that he wasn't giving up on Jacob anytime soon, and the scalpel was dangerously close to Ethan as he came closer.

"No! I can't. Please, get out."

"Jacob, we'll do some tests on you. The chest tightness, the tremors, the palpitations... we'll sort this out, honest! I know you're not going to hurt me. You are NOT a bad person."

Jacob could see the way the terrified Ethan was trembling. He was shaking a little himself, knowing that it was only a matter of time before he lost control and his addiction to causing pain won and the relief would come.

He didn't want to hurt Ethan, but he _did_ want to. He didn't want to see Ethan cry, but he _did_ want to. He didn't want to stab Ethan with the scalpel, but he really _did_ want to.

What a mess. "Jacob! Put the scalpel down, now." Connie boomed and entered resus, followed by two people from security.

"Jacob! Put the scalpel down, now." Connie boomed and entered resus, followed by two people from security.

"Stay back!" Jacob shouted.

"Dr Hardy and Dr Knight, get out, I'll handle this," Connie ordered. "Jacob, you're giving me no choice, I had to call security." she looked pained. "They're going to end up having to kick you out of this building if you don't put that scalpel down, you know that."

Jacob's shaky hand just tightened around the scalpel. "No. Don't you dare kick me out of here! Get back!"

Oh no. Jacob could feel his whole body filling with anger and his urges for violence were becoming stronger.

"Don't kick him out!" Ethan defended. "Please, he's not well! Jacob's not going to hurt me, or anyone else, it's fine! He can control it." Ethan gave Jacob a trusting look which may or may not have been fake. "Can't you?"

Jacob wanted to reply 'yes', so badly, but the words wouldn't come.

The only thing that came was a giant, overpowering tsunami of anger as he finally lost control.

"I said..." Jacob's voice was dangerously low as his eyes slanted with fury.

He pushed Ethan in the chest, hard, not mindful of the scalpel. He didn't even know what hand it was in, but he didn't care, either. The clattering of metal hit the floor after he'd shoved Ethan back, who was caught by Cal.

"GET BACK!" Jacob screamed.

"SECURITY!" Connie yelled as the two men grabbed ahold of Jacob.

"No! No, don't, you can't do this, get off me!" Jacob resisted, almost winning against these two men, but in the end, he failed.

They dragged him out of the room as he screamed in pure aggravation.

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Cal watched as Jacob was restrained, the whole hospital watched, even, as the nurse was taken out of the building. He blew out a breath and shook his head, taking a step closer to Ethan as their colleagues all entered resus, finally able to breathe properly.

"What are you like, eh?" Cal clapped Ethan on the back, exhaling deeply. "Jesus. Why don't you do as you're told, hmm?"

Cal sighed as Ethan didn't answer him. His little brother's face was chalk white with small beads of sweat dripping off it, and he was staring into the distance with his hand on his stomach. Cal left him there. After all of that, Ethan probably just needed some time to compose himself. It was no surprise, really. It had all been rather dramatic and actually slightly frightening. Not that Cal or Ethan would admit it.

Cal walked around resus, not really sure what to do with himself when his feet knocked something across the floor and it made a clattering noise.

The scalpel.

 _Why did Jacob pick it up anyway_ , Cal thought. _He must've been really desperate._

Cal reached down and lifted it off the floor.

Then he dropped it in shock.

Red, dripping liquid was staining the blade.

Blood.

Cal turned to his paling brother, who had tears streaming down his face. Suddenly, Cal knew exactly why Ethan's hand was on his stomach.

"No, no!" Cal drew attention to Charlie, who hurried over from the crowd of a few of their colleagues by the door, who were still watching the space where Jacob had gotten dragged away. "Charlie... stab wound... oh, please, no..."

"It's okay." Ethan breathed in sharply, standing stiffly as more tears of shock and pain rolled down his cheeks. "Look. It's not deep. I stepped away before it went in too far, see?"

Cal's hands were shaking far too much as he checked underneath Ethan's scrub top where a red patch was blossoming. He could see that the wound was about not even a centimetre deep. Ethan had been extremely fortunate.

Cal found himself close to tears at the thought of what could've happened if it was any deeper.

"Thank God." Cal breathed. Charlie rubbed Cal's back, looking extremely relieved himself. "You still don't look steady on your feet, though, but that's probably the shock." he looked at Charlie for reassurance.

"Yes, you're right, Cal," Charlie said in confirmation. "Just shock."

Ethan nodded, taking his brother's arm to leave the room. Unexpectedly, his legs seemingly turned to jelly and his knees crashed to the hard floor.

"Eth? Cal panicked, throwing a glance in Charlie's direction in absolute desperation.

"Relax, Cal, it's fine," Charlie said in a remarkably calm voice. "Ethan, have you eaten today?"

Ethan weakly shook his head as a no.

"Then that's why he's light-headed, Cal." Charlie smiled. "Stop panicking."

Cal nodded at the older nurse, his mind at rest as he helped Ethan up. He reassured their colleagues himself, perfectly confident that Ethan was okay, and took his arm to lead him to a chair.

"Okay?" Cal questioned, stroking the side of Ethan's sweaty face.

"Okay." Ethan nodded in response, swallowing hard and letting out a shaky breath. It probably wasn't just the pain causing Ethan to be so tearful, Cal thought knowingly. It was probably everything getting a little too difficult and frightening.

"Good. Now, let's go before we have any more 'The Fault In Our Stars' moments, yes?" Cal grinned, knowing that Ethan had read and re-read the book more times than Cal could count with two hands. This earned a smile from his younger brother.

Cal wouldn't have thought it was Ethan's sort of book, but Ethan could be a soppy bugger sometimes.

"I'll fix that cut for you and we'll go home, nibbles." Cal waited for the confirmation in the form of a small nod before he helped him back up and they left resus together.

 **A/N: More soon!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Sweeet-as-honey:** _Thank you for all of your reviews for chapter five, four and three! Yes, Louise did make a good point, but she doesn't understand how it feels to be bullied the way Ethan has. Even though Jacob has been really bad, at the end of the day, he is still a colleague and a friend of everyone's. Nobody could unite all against him, even though they are upset with him. I'm glad the scene wasn't TOO scary, I didn't want to make it over-dramatic considering the extremely fortunate (for Ethan) outcome. Again, thank you for your reviews and nice words!_

 **Tanith Panic:** _Elle was bound to be quite biased; Jacob is her best friend, but sadly he has done wrong. I feel sorry for her too. Luckily both Jacob and Ethan are physically okay, as is Connie. Thank you for your lovely words and the review!_

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 **A/N:** Sorry for the long break in updates, I haven't got much motivation at the moment. I hope this chapter isn't _too_ bad.

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"Intermittent explosive disorder."

Cal looked up at his brother in surprise. Ethan was sitting on the edge of a bed in cubicles, letting Cal dress the lightly bleeding wound on his stomach when he'd randomly blurted out his thoughts.

"Excuse me?" Cal questioned, giving Ethan a look of confusion.

"Intermittent explosive disorder," Ethan said again. "I think that's what Jacob has got."

Cal nodded. "Alright." he continued dressing Ethan's cut without any other words.

"Aren't you going to ask me how I know?" Ethan asked, wincing slightly as Cal dabbed at his wound.

Cal quickly apologised for hurting him and said: "I don't need to ask, it's obvious that you're sure of this. I trust you'd know." he looked at his brother knowingly. "Ah. I imagine you want to tell me all about this disorder, don't you?"

"You guessed it," Ethan smiled. "So, as I've said a million times before, Jacob's clearly been experiencing-"

The curtain tore open, surprising them both. Cal knocked a cardboard bowl onto the floor and Ethan only just managed to stop himself making a strange noise of shock, but it was only Connie. Ethan relaxed a little and Cal picked the bowl back up.

"Experiencing what?" Connie asked.

Ethan squinted a bit at her before realising that she'd overheard them. He did his best to fake confidence in his idea. "Uh, I was talking about Jacob. He's... been having tremors, palpitations, chest tightness and overpowering episodes of anger. Not to mention the psychological relief it clearly gives him to lash out and... shout at, uh, people."

"And?" Connie asked, crossing her arms. She seemed slightly intrigued, as much as she concealed it, it felt like she actually wanted to know.

"And," Ethan paused, feeling Cal's reassuring gaze on him. "I've... come up with, uh, intermittent explosive disorder, which would match Jacob's symptoms exactly."

Connie's face spread into a rare smile, her eyes darting from Cal to Ethan. "So... that'd mean that it wasn't Jacob being irrational, it'd mean that he has a disorder which causes him to act this way." she stopped for a second. "Does... does he know that he more than likely has this?"

Ethan shook his head. "I tried to tell him something was up, several times, but he just thinks he's an angry person. He won't listen to me."

"Well then, we'll have to make him," Connie said. "Good job, Dr Hardy. This changes everything." she was about to leave the cubicle when she stopped suddenly and cocked her head to look at them, her widening eyes drawing to his lightly bloodied scrub top. "And what on _earth_ happened to you, anyway?"

Ethan paused.

Two choices made their way into his brain. Choice one was to tell Connie, and choice two was to keep it hidden. Ethan knew what one he was swinging for. After all, it had been an accident. Jacob hadn't meant to hurt him, it was only a small and almost harmless mistake. Why risk everything for Jacob because of it?

When Ethan stayed silent, Cal opened his mouth to speak. His foot had been promptly trod on by his younger brother and he was given a sharp look, one which clearly meant 'tell her and you're in trouble'.

Cal knew that Ethan probably felt bad for trodding on his foot. It had hurt, but not as much as the thought of Jacob not getting punished for this particular mistake. If Ethan was right about the diagnosis, that'd mean that Jacob wasn't completely at fault. Perhaps he couldn't control his violent urges.

But for what Jacob did to his little brother, Cal would happily drop Jacob in it. Preferably into a vat of hot oil.

Ethan, apparently, had other ideas.

"I... accidentally did it to myself, I was trying to chop something up earlier for lunch, and I left a knife on the side... and walked into it." Ethan gabbled, ignoring Cal's disapproving looks.

Connie aimed a suspicious look at him, looking like she wasn't believing him for a second.

Then her mind clearly and luckily changed.

"Alright." Connie nodded, seemingly buying the strange excuse. She sighed, muttered something under her breath about clumsiness infecting the hospital like a disease, and then left the cubicle.

"What did you do that for?" Cal demanded as soon as she was out of earshot. Ethan didn't need to be looking at Cal, which he was not, to know that he was looking extremely disapproving and also slightly confused.

"There's no point in dropping Jacob in it when no real harm was done," Ethan said, still not looking at Cal.

Cal released a loud sigh. "I wish you'd stop covering for him. Yeah, he's unwell, but that doesn't mean you should have to lie all the while."

Ethan sighed and then gave him a 'look' which meant both of two things; that Ethan was perfectly happy to keep the truth concealed, and that he knew what was best.

Cal didn't argue. There was no shifting Ethan when he was in that state of mind, anyway. Perhaps it was the right thing to do, but Cal was far too furious with Jacob to ever want to help him out. However, Ethan thought otherwise.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Jacob had been labelled as many things in the past. Some good, some bad, and some just plain rude.

But he'd never been labelled as 'a threat to the hospital and the workers' wellbeing before.

He'd been put in an office, two security men standing around him. They were waiting for Elle to enter, more than likely to shout at him.

By the looks of her face, as she walked into the office and slammed the door closed behind her, she was certain to do just that.

She was his friend, the best one he'd ever had. But right now, she seemed as distant as outer space. There was no gentle looks, no soft voices, and definitely no hugs.

"So," Elle started. "Not only do you... bully and abuse one of my doctors, you actually attempt to kill him or seriously harm him. Twice. First, by strangulation, and secondly, by aiming a scalpel at him. Luckily, neither of those fatally wounded him, but the mental scar you've left from this whole ordeal will be detrimental!" Elle took in a sharp breath, awaiting his response. She was ruthless and furious.

"How do you know all of this?" Jacob asked, finally finding his voice. It sounded slightly hoarse from all the screaming earlier. "And... I wasn't trying to kill Ethan."

"I know because I was told by both Charlie and rumours. That's how I find out, well, mostly everything." she rubbed at her forehead, sighing. "I managed to get a little out of Ethan too. He showed me what you'd done. And I'm answering your second statement with a question. If you weren't trying to kill him, why go to such extremes?" Elle questioned, swallowing hard as if to suppress back her anger. It hadn't worked, and she was as fiery as ever. "Better yet, why start hurting him in the first place?!"

Jacob was stuck for words. "I..." he sighed deeply. "I dunno."

"You don't know?" Elle almost laughed. "Well. I'm glad you're taking this so seriously."

"I am taking it seriously!" Jacob argued.

"Are you? There's not been a single peep out of you regarding Ethan. You don't even know how he is." Elle frowned disappointedly at him. "And you have the audacity to have no reason apart from pure hatred to seriously harm one of my best doctors. There's no excuse, anyway. None at all."

Jacob looked down at his hands. If he hadn't been ashamed before, then he definitely was now. "I was angry."

"Why?!" Elle hissed. Jacob had never seen her so furious in his life. "I can't believe you."

"I'm sorry, okay!" Jacob stated honestly. "I'm really sorry!"

"Don't tell me that! Tell the person who you have both physically and mentally abused for no less than three months that you're sorry, go on! As if that'll make it all better!" Elle stood up and placed her hands on her desk, her face laced with deadly fury and disappointment, staring into his. "I hope you're ashamed of yourself because I sure am!"

There was a sudden noise of the office door opening. Both of them, including the security men, who were clearly uncomfortable from the high tension, turned to see.

"Oh, he is," Connie entered calmly, shutting the door behind her with a soft click. "He's very ashamed."

"What do you need, Connie?" Elle sighed, rubbing at her forehead for the second time in a few minutes. Clearly, the entire situation was stressing her out.

Connie blanked her. "Have you apologised?" she asked Jacob.

"Huh?"

"To Ethan. Have you apologised?"

"No," Jacob said with reluctance. "Not yet."

"You ought to," Connie said. Her tone suggested nothing but business. She didn't seem angry, which both confused and relieved Jacob. He knew he deserved to be shouted at, but he sure as hell didn't want to be. "Because he's actually done more for you than you're aware of."

Jacob paused. "How do you mean?"

"Well, keeping this all a secret, for starters. Three months, was it? Yes, he kept that under his hat. For you," Connie paced the office slowly and calmly. "Hiding the violence you inflicted, not saying a single word just for the pure purpose of keeping you and your job safe."

"He told you that?" Jacob said quietly. He'd had no idea, and in that moment, he felt so much guilt that he imagined he was going to be drowned by it. And so he deserved to be, he thought.

"No, but I can read people," Connie replied soberly. "Ethan especially, he's easy for me to read." she paused the pacing, standing with her hands on her hips and aiming a look at Jacob. "And you."

Jacob looked at the floor, unable to face the intense eye contact.

"But Ethan's far better at reading you than I am, surprisingly," Connie stated. "Did you know... that he actually has been diagnosing you and your symptoms?"

"Symptoms?" Jacob was starting to get agitated, snapping his eyes back onto her green ones. He wished she'd just hurry up and spit out whatever she was keeping hidden. The suspense was eating him alive. "Connie. Please."

"I'm not saying you shouldn't be ashamed of what you've done to Ethan. But I'm saying that you can move past this, and so can he. In time." Connie said. "After all, it wasn't your fault."

"Wasn't his fault?" Elle interrupted. "Right, so what magical forces caused his body to inflict harm on one of our doctors, hmm? Answer me that, then."

"Don't be so facetious, Dr Gardener. Of course, you have the right to be angry at him. But I believe that Jacob has something called 'intermittent explosive disorder', and that would mean that Jacob wasn't completely at fault."

Connie perched on the edge of the desk, looking them both up and down in turn. "We'll need to sort some things out and get you diagnosed properly, Jacob, but it seems as though Ethan's done you a favour."

Neither Elle or Jacob knew quite what to say to that.


	7. Chapter 7

**Teeloganroryflan:** _Hiya, thank you for your review! I'm glad the scalpel scene was intense, that's sorta what I was going for, so I'm pleased that you enjoyed it. Thank you for your lovely words, and I hope you enjoy this chapter too!_

 **Casslourocks:** _I'm very relieved you think I've written people in character, I was slightly worried that she was a bit OOC but I'm pleased that you don't think so! Thank you for your kind words and your review, I hope you enjoy this next chapter!_

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The first thing that caught Jacob's eye as he strolled through the corridors was the sharp looks from others. His colleagues, his friends, people who he'd never met before. All staring, giving him looks which were probably deserved.

But they didn't know the reasons behind his earlier behaviour. They didn't know anything at all.

The second thing that Jacob noticed was the open staff room. He couldn't help but look in, immediately filling with guilt when he saw both brothers in there. Cal was perched on the edge of a chair, soberly drinking some coffee. Cal's eyes were glued to his younger brother, who'd fallen fast asleep on the sofa, lines of fear across his forehead even in his slumber. Jacob would've laughed at how extremely tight Ethan was gripping at his brother's hand, but he knew exactly why Ethan was doing that.

Jacob knew Ethan was still scared.

"What?"

Jacob snapped into reality, noticing Cal staring at him intensely and putting the coffee down. Jacob walked into the staff room, not too close to the brothers, and let out a sigh. "Came to apologise to you... and Ethan. Ethan especially."

"Right," Cal nodded, seemingly not completely buying it, despite Jacob meaning it 100% this time. "Well, he's asleep. For the first time in days, actually, so we'd best leave him." he managed to entangle Ethan's hand from his own, his blue eyes filled with sadness as he stared back at his exhausted brother.

Ethan's scrub top was lifted slightly, showing his stomach which was decorated with bruises and scratches. Cal swallowed miserably before saying: "I dread to think what damage this done to him."

"Yeah," Jacob swallowed. He couldn't quite look at Ethan properly. It was a good thing he was asleep. "Cal, I really am genuinely-"

Jacob never finished that sentence as Cal's face flashed with anger as he aimed a shocking and hard punch to Jacob's nose.

"Sorry," Cal winced, almost as if he could feel the punch that he'd just delivered.

Jacob bent at the waist slightly groaning with pain and checking his nose wasn't bleeding. Cal punched hard when he was angry, Jacob discovered.

"I just needed to do it." Cal admitted.

"You know what?" Jacob straightened up after he was satisfied that his throbbing nose wasn't broken. "I don't even blame you. I kind of want to punch myself too for what I did."

Cal gave Jacob a sad look. "Don't tell anyone about this."

"About wha-"

Cal launched a hug on Jacob, wrapping his arms around him and sighing deeply. Jacob was past being surprised; after all the shocks he'd had lately, it would hardly have surprised him if Connie sauntered in dressed as a cowgirl.

"I know about the disorder thing. I hope you start feeling happier soon."

"Thank you, Cal." Jacob blinked viciously, realising that he was actually dangerously close to tears. "Honestly. Thank you."

"You're very welcome. I mean it completely."

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Connie had faced a lot of surprises and shocks in her medical career, not to mention her personal life.

But catching Jacob and Cal mid-embrace definitely stayed high on the list of surprises.

Connie cleared her throat to attract their attention, causing them to pull apart quickly and clear their own throats awkwardly too. Jacob turned to face her, his cheeks slightly dusted with red in embarassment.

"I've been looking for you. Come on, Ben's expecting us." Connie told him gently.

"Sure thing." Jacob nodded, giving Cal a token smile of appreciation before following Connie out of the room.

Cal watched them leave, standing and staring in the middle of the room for more than a few seconds after both Connie and Jacob were of sight.

For the hundredth time, Cal sighed to himself. Just because the violence and bullying had finally been recognised, and Jacob was at long last receiving treatment and acknowledgement for his suspected disorder, didn't mean that the whole situation was over.

And although the bruises would fade, the memories would not.

The words which had been spoken would always stay; you could receive so many lovely words of compliments and well-meaning actions but the harsh bullying words would always ring above them, overpowering the good. The violence had been just as bad.

"Cal?"

Cal turned in surprise. He saw his brother who'd clearly woken up with a start. He was shivering and yawning whilst rubbing at his eyes.

"Hey, you. Sleep well?" Cal questioned, acting although he wasn't almost reduced to tears due to his thoughts. He perched on the edge of the sofa, seeing the goosebumps on his brother's skin. He chucked a hoodie over to Ethan for an oddly shaped blanket.

"Thank you, I'm cold. And yeah, it was... okay." Ethan answered sleepily. He seemed slightly distant, dragging himself up and refusing to meet Cal's eye.

Cal gave Ethan a sad look. "Nightmare?"

Ethan only nodded with the slightest reluctance.

"I'm sorry," Cal said sadly, rubbing Ethan's shoulder gently. "I wish I could stop them happening."

Ethan had actually confided in Cal, before he'd fallen asleep, and told him that he'd been having bad nightmares. Cal had known something was up with Ethan's sleeping but he didn't know it was that bad. He'd assumed that perhaps Ethan thought sleeping was a waste of time, that was a very Ethan-ish thing to think about, after all. But apparently not. It had taken great lengths to get Ethan to have a small nap, and it had involved Cal holding Ethan's hand and stroking his hair until he'd eventually nodded off.

"It's fine," Ethan said, wiping the 'sleep dust' from the corners of his eyes. "I've had worse, this one wasn't that bad anyway and the scary bit only lasted a few seconds before I woke up."

"Still-"

"How's Jacob?"

Cal would've tutted at Ethan's quick and shameless subject change, but he didn't bother with the knowledge that Ethan was probably just trying to forget about the bad stuff. Cal didn't blame him, but that didn't mean he thought it was the right thing to do. "He's alright, don't worry yourself. Last I saw him, he was heading upstairs to speak to Ben. Y'know, the counsellor bloke? So, yeah." Cal smiled. "He'll get better, you know. Not completely, obviously... but he'll be able to control things better in time."

Ethan gave Cal a small smile in appreciation. He put Cal's jacket on himself, still shivering with cold. "I'm glad."

"So am I," Cal said, smiling at how giant his jacket looked on Ethan. "I mean, I wouldn't want to have to punch him again to get him back for hurting you, so..."

Ethan laughed slightly. "Yeah, me neither-" he paused. "Hang on."

"What?"

"You said you wouldn't want to have to punch him 'again'... Cal!"

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

In Cal's mind, things were beginning to start falling into the rightful places.

People were aware of Jacob's disorder (Connie had told them whilst Jacob went up to see Ben, with his permission, of course), so they weren't quite so harsh, Cal had taken a slightly miffed Ethan home (He was irritated that Cal had punched Jacob) and things were quieting down.

Cal got Ethan a single frozen potato from the bag in the freezer (Ethan had no idea why Cal had frozen the potatoes but he decided to quiz him on that later) for a bruise that was hurting him whilst they sat on the sofa back at home.

Cal got bored with the heavy silence, just like he usually did, and switched the television on whilst putting his feet up on the coffee table. When a startling noise of an explosion played on the soap on the television, Cal didn't even flinch, whereas Ethan jumped about a mile high in the air, despite being half asleep with his knees up to his chest and head buried in a cushion.

It was hardly anything out of the ordinary; Ethan usually got frightened by things like that, although he'd never admit it.

But it was quite a shock for Cal when Ethan just burst into tears.

"Ethan?" Cal questioned, taking his feet immediately off the coffee table and lowering the sound on the television. "Hey, what's up?"

Ethan looked extremely tragic with tears rolling down his cheeks. But he wouldn't allow Cal to touch him. Ethan let out a shaky breath and got up from the sofa, ignoring Cal's deeply concerned expression and open arms.

"N...nothing. I'm fine." Ethan sobbed, rubbing under his eyes and trying his best to stem his tears.

"Mmm, yeah, clearly!" Cal said sarcastically.

Then Cal immediately regretted it.

"Nibbles, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"Just g-go away." Ethan turned and left the room, breathing heavy and sniffing viciously.

Cal could still hear Ethan crying from several rooms away. All he wanted to do was help.

But he couldn't.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Cal mustered up the little cooking knowledge he had in order to cook macaroni cheese. After panicking for at least five minutes that it was too undercooked, before deciding that it was okay and if it were to stay in the pan any longer it'd probably end up burning. He dumped a bit too much cheese sauce in the mix before deciding he was very impressed with his efforts and took two portions into Ethan's room.

It was dark, seeing as it was around ten 'o'clock, with only a flickering lamp on to light the room ever so slightly. Ethan was laying on his side on his bed, looking into nothingness. He looked slightly startled when Cal entered, who placed the plates on the side, but soon went back to staying silent and unresponsive to a small hug.

"I, uh, made us a very late dinner. I skipped lunch and I know you haven't had anything proper all day, so, I figured..." Cal said, giving Ethan's shoulder a rub as he sat on the bed, making the mattress dip. "It's your fave."

"Not hungry."

"Come on, Eth." Cal said, sighing weakly. "Look, things are getting better, aren't they? You're not alone anymore. Well, you never were, I guess. All you had to do was tell me about Jacob's behaviour." Cal gritted his teeth. "But you didn't."

Ethan didn't reply, only burying his head into his cushion and sighing.

"I'm calling Charlie."

"Why?" Ethan asked miserably, muffled by his pillow.

"Oh, well, because I need someone to help me practise salsa dancing - why do you THINK, Eth?"

"Don't shout."

Cal did want to scream a little. He wasn't entirely sure why. "I wasn't, I was just talking with... with force and increased volume."

Ethan lifted his face reluctantly from the pillow, which still looked slightly wet and sticky. "That's what shouting is," he looked even sadder for a second. "You're getting sick of me, aren't you?"

"What? As if, Ethan." Cal sighed, ruffling Ethan's hair roughly. He noticed how Ethan flinched. "You're very on edge tonight. I'm worried."

"Don't be. It's all good." Ethan said with a very forced smile. Slowly, as if it took extreme physical effort, Ethan dragged himself into a sitting position and leant against the bedframe. "I'm sorry that I'm not hungry. I heard you working very hard in the kitchen." Ethan paused thoughtfully. "Well, if swearing at inanimate objects and spilling cheese sauce on the floor is classed as 'hard work'..."

"How did you know I did all that?"

"Could hear you." Ethan smiled weakly. "Seriously, though. Thank you."

"No problem, nibbles." Cal gave a smile back to his exhausted brother. "Now, live up to your nickname and give dinner a go, yeah?"

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Cal eventually left him in peace. Ethan had only eaten to show his appreciation for his brother's efforts, but now, he just felt ill. Laying in bed, he was positive he never wanted to leave his room. It was pretty much his haven of protection. He'd never feel afraid in that darkened room, ever.

But even his safe place was getting less and less reliable.

Stupid.

Useless.

Bad doctor.

Failure.

God, those words again. He'd had them swirling around in his head right from the start, and he'd managed to block them out. But not anymore. If somebody asked him to describe himself, he would use those words. No questions asked. He would.

It just felt so raw. Still. Every single time Ethan remembered a word Jacob had shouted or a punch to the stomach, he'd feel it like it was just inflicted yesterday. It was actually getting hard to breathe.

No. No, he didn't need to panic. Everything was okay. He was safe in his clean, small, and slightly dark room. There was no way Jacob could get him or hurt him.

But he still felt terrified.

Ethan pulled the duvet over himself so he was secluded in an unlit, stuffy and warm sanctuary. It was like he was a little kid again, hidden by the duvet which would supposedly keep him from harm. The monsters under the bed couldn't hurt him if he was using the magic of the duvet.

He used to do it all the time when he was younger, even when he reached the age of sixteen. Those were the days when Cal would be the typical cliche of a teenager, clubbing and drinking until he couldn't remember his name whilst their adoptive mother called him endlessly, sick with worry. Ethan would stay under his duvet, waiting for him to come home so he knew he was safe from harm, then he'd tuck his big brother in before going to bed himself. Ethan could never sleep without knowing Cal was okay.

Sadly, the duvet didn't do the same job as it used to.

He could hear the television in the other room. Light peeked in underneath the door and he could smell some sort of hot drink. Clearly, Cal was having a late night. Perhaps he had a lot on his mind. Worry, maybe. Same as Ethan, although it wasn't a choice to stay up late. If Ethan could, he'd already be in the 'land of nod'. Safe from the remembrance of the heavy breathing he could feel on the back of his neck and the hissing of profanities he could hear in his ear.

But there was no escape from the wrath of Jacob. Not even sleep could help anymore.

Ethan's eyes started to close of their own accord. No. He couldn't sleep, not again, he couldn't face the nightmares. He wasn't strong enough. Ethan forced them open, his vision assaulted by tears as he scratched harshly down his arms. He could feel the strong stings of pain. Ethan was appeased by how he could control the pain. If he wanted to have more of a distraction from falling asleep and tumbling into a tunnel of fear, all he needed to do was scratch harder. The more scared he felt, the deeper he scratched.

Ethan forced them open, his vision assaulted by tears as he scratched harshly down his arms. He could feel the strong stings of pain. Ethan was appeased by how he could control the pain. If he wanted to have more of a distraction from falling asleep and tumbling into a tunnel of fear, all he needed to do was scratch harder. The more scared he felt, the deeper he scratched.

By the time Ethan was done, numerous overlapping scratches covered the insides of his arms with tiny beads of blood coming to the surface.

It hurt, that was okay. Ethan let his arms sting, closed his eyes, and cried himself to a nightmare plagued sleep.


	8. Chapter 8

**Casslourocks:** _Aw, good guess! Glad you think it's realistic, and thank you! Well, Ethan's good at hiding things (being an internalizer, it's hard to notice when someone like that is in pain) so it'll be difficult for Cal to spot anything. But saying that, Cal is definitely keeping an eye on him! And about the hug between Jacob and Cal, definitely, couldn't see it happening on the show but I'm glad you don't think it's TOO unrealistic Everyone gives Jacob a bit of a hard time and I think Cal really felt for him. Thank you for your review and I hope you enjoy the next instalment in the 'The Ways That Panic-At-Casualty Needlessly Hurts Ethan Saga'!_

 **InfinityAndOne:** _Hiya! 'Utter sadness' is a totally brilliant way to explain the majority of my fan-fictions in all fairness! Glad that you're still enjoying despite the content. It's very good that Jacob's finally receiving recognition and help. But sadly, Ethan is not. The effects of bullying don't disappear in a night, as poor Ethan has discovered. With any luck, Cal will get Ethan some kind of help... which will probably be turned down! Ethan's a stubborn one but we all love him. Thank you for your review and I hope you enjoy the next chapter!_

 _ **A/N:** It's been so long I've almost forgotten about what's going on with this fan-fiction! I apologise, I did lose interest in it for a while. Will be updating more with any luck. Thank you for your reviews and continued support, it means very much to me. I'm really not sure on this chapter at all and I'm not digging for compliments by saying that. I feel like my writing has really declined in quality with this chapter; but hopefully, my editing has made it better._

 **A/N #2:** _Also this will be ending soon._

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 **TWO WEEKS LATER**

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Jacob's life was finally turning itself around.

Okay, yes; it wasn't like as soon as he'd gotten diagnosed with his disorder that all his problems disappeared - they didn't. He'd had some highs and lows, some bad episodes of anger and needed Elle more than ever. But he was getting so much better lately. It was a second chance in life. And for that, Jacob was so grateful.

"Morning!"

"Morning, Staff Nurse Masters."

Jacob smiled to himself at the brief exchange between himself and Connie as they passed each other through the halls of the emergency department. It wasn't a large gesture, granted, but at least she wasn't ignoring his existence anymore. They'd even had a drink the other day! That had to mean good things for the possibility of coming back together again. Jacob hoped so.

He continued his morning cheerfully and full of hope for the future.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

As usual, Ethan awoke and immediately wished he hadn't.

His alarm was going off and the sound of rushing around outside his bedroom door was only intensifying. Clearly, Cal was awake and probably trying to get ready for his no doubt busy day at work. Ethan should've been doing the same, really. He knew he should attempt to peel the duvet off of himself and try to get ready for the day but that was proving to be quite a test. He was feeling awfully lethargic, and that was hardly a shock in all honesty. When did he _not_ feel lethargic?

Ethan only just found the energy to pull his pyjama sleeve up to stare at his scratches. He'd gone a bit deep the other night; he'd definitely need to wear long sleeves. Same as every day. He sighed and picked at them, running his fingers across them and causing little stings to run through his arm. It had hurt, yes, but that was okay.

"Ethan!" Cal pounded behind the closed door, causing Ethan to jump; almost as if he was a child who'd been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. "You'd better be getting ready for work!"

Ethan momentarily felt sad by the fact that it used to be himself in Cal's position, trying to drag Cal out of bed and get them both out of the door before they were murdered brutally by Connie's death glare when they arrived late. Not anymore. Things had changed, that was for sure.

"Yeah, I'm... I'm almost ready, I swear." Ethan called back blankly, despite still being in bed. His eyes were still staring at his arm, where one of his older scratches was so deep that a scab was forming over it. He didn't even wince as he picked it off.

"Look, I'm going to leave without you if you don't-"

"Just hang on!"

It was physically and mentally draining to pull himself out of bed, his head spinning with dizziness from the sudden movement, and manage to get to his feet. Ethan begrudgingly to get some trousers on, which only smelt the slightest bit strange, and an old shirt which had last night's pasta on the front. Ethan sighed deeply and put his jacket on top. He opened his bedroom door and opening it, revealing an unamused Cal with messy hair but brushed teeth.

"See?" Ethan said. "Ready."

"Only just, I imagine. And you've got a cowlick-" Cal attempted to pat Ethan's hair down, only for a small part of it to spring back up. Cal sighed, clearly doing his best to not look too irritated. "-Oh. Okay, you'll do. Come on!"

"Why have you only just woken me? Are we still going to work?" Ethan questioned. He allowed Cal to pass him a slice of burnt toast, taking a token bite of it before his stomach churned with anxiety. The source of it was unknown. Ethan discreetly put it in the bin as they passed their kitchen together before further interrogating his brother. "Cal?"

"We've got an appointment, that's all." Cal didn't look at Ethan, pulling his leather jacket on and clearing his throat. "Wow, you ate that quick."

"Hmm, I was very hungry," Ethan said, wiping the crumbs left on his fingers onto his trousers as Cal turned around. Ethan hardly even felt guilt for his bare-faced lie. "So, appointment for what-"

"Get your shoes on and stop asking questions, nibbles. We're late enough as it is!"

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

They arrived at work at around half nine. Ethan half-expected Connie, Elle or maybe even Henrik Hanssen to come and breathe fire, but they never did, surprisingly. Even though they were both several HOURS late for work, it seemed as though they were being let off the hook. Perhaps miracles did happen after all.

"Cal?" Ethan stopped in his tracks, squinting at his brother who was taking a wrong turning in the hallway of the hospital. "Where are you going? We need to get changed for work, or... oh wait, you said we've got an appointment. And you never told me what this appointment is for or when it is, so-"

"Eth," Cal had been biting the side of his mouth as he turned back around to face Ethan, shoving his hands in his pockets and sighing. "Okay. So. We're not working today."

"I figured."

"But," Cal closed his eyes momentarily, seemingly trying to clear his mind. Or perhaps wanting the floor to open up so he could leap into the fiery depths of the universe, free from confrontation. Ethan only felt a knot in his stomach as he waited for Cal to continue on. "Right, so I may have booked you an appointment to see Ben Harding."

Ethan's mouth dropped open. "Uh, what?!"

"I'm worried about you, Ethan! I thought it was a good idea to do it, you know, so you can have someone to talk to about... past events. It's not right to just sweep it under the carpet, and clearly, you're not yourself, so I thought-"

"Well, you thought wrong." Ethan hissed. It hurt him slightly to do so, but he stormed past his brother and called back: "And I'll be working overtime today, Cal. Both to make up for the time we've wasted and also to prove to you that I am _completely_ fine!"

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Two hours had passed and Cal was getting increasingly concerned about his younger brother. If he looked back in time, Cal would recall Ethan hardly ever spending hours on end in bed (and Cal knew Ethan wasn't sleeping; he'd more than likely just be staring into space), always making breakfast for the two of them in the mornings, making awkward jokes at quite inconvenient times, taking care of Cal and sometimes even babying him as though their ages had been reversed.

Not anymore. Cal would be lucky to see Ethan smile at least once a month nowadays, and that didn't include fake ones.

All of those things contributed to Cal's decision to knock on Connie's office door.

"Enter."

Cal did as instructed. Without being told to, he closed the door behind him and sat in a chair in front of Connie's desk.

Connie raised an eyebrow at him. "Is there a problem, Doctor Knight?" She asked, clearly noticing the tension in his conjoined hands and anxious eyes.

"Uh, yeah, there might be." Cal said. He looked out of the office for a second, noticing his brother, who was hurrying around the place, clearly doing his best to get things done. From where Cal was sitting, Ethan looked fine and almost content.

Until an agency nurse tapped Ethan on the back to get him to sign something and Ethan looked as though he was going to burst into terrified tears.

"I'm worried," Cal said nervously. "About Ethan. He's not himself."

"Yes, I have noticed," Connie said. "Well, we have given him all the tools to help recover from the... abuse. I've told him numerous times that he can get Jacob suspended if needs must, and I've told him he can take time off work, I've also told you to get him to speak to Ben..." she sighed. "It's hard to help someone who won't help himself."

Cal frowned. "We help people who don't want it every single day, Mrs Beachamp. It's our job."

"True. But they're usually in life-threatening conditions, with a limb dangling off or several tumours. Ethan isn't physically injured, so it's not that easy." Connie looked at Cal and leant back in her chair, but perhaps she just wanted to get a better look at him to make him squirm. "Do you get what I mean?"

"Yeah," Cal said with undeniable reluctance. "You have a point, I guess. But it's so frustrating! You know, he won't even go and see Ben Harding after I asked, like, fifteen hundred times."

"Well-"

"You know what, forget it," Cal said. His eyes were filling up and he felt himself losing control of his emotions. If he ended up crying in Connie's office, he'd never hear the end of it. "I just want to help him and clearly there's no way I can!"

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

"Hey."

Ethan noticeably flinched at the sound of Jacob's voice. "H-hey."

"How are you?" Jacob asked. Of course, it had to have been asked out of politeness and because of social cues. Ethan didn't imagine that Jacob genuinely cared. Why would he?

"Good. I'm good." Ethan nodded quickly. Jacob said something in response but it came in one ear and out the other. Ethan was too busy pulling at the sleeves of his white top and doing his best to ignore the demented little voice in his head, reminding him that Jacob could hit or shout at him at any given time.

 _I don't need to panic,_ Ethan tried to convince himself. _Jacob's not going to hurt me._

"How are you?" Ethan asked after the realisation that he'd zoned out.

"I'm alright, thanks. I had another appointment with Ben this morning," Jacob informed him. "He's helping a lot, you know. I... I'm really relieved that everyone is being so understanding."

"I'm, uh, glad that things are working out for you." Ethan pushed a smile onto his face the same way he tried to do most days. "Really."

"I'm glad too," Jacob smiled back, clearly not noticing how Ethan's was very forced - even though Ethan was indeed glad that the nurse was feeling in better spirits. "Are you seeing him too?"

"Who?"

"Ben," Jacob said. "I mean, after... everything I did, it would probably be a good idea to have a few words with him. You know?"

Ethan swallowed. He didn't need a counsellor, despite the fact that Jacob and Cal both thought he did. It would do no good. Ethan knew this. All he needed was time - not some counsellor.

"Actually, I need to get back to work," Ethan said quickly.

Jacob got the hint. "Ah. Alright, well... later, then?"

Ethan only nodded in response, clenching his fists anxiously and departing. Ethan sighed. If only he could walk away from his fears as quickly as he exited cubicles.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Jacob watched as Ethan left with a sinking of his stomach and a sadness in his chest.

Ethan hated him. He truly and properly hated him, Jacob thought miserably. It was no surprise. Jacob had been bang out of order, and perhaps there was just no way of making it better. Maybe things would be broken forever, broken beyond repair.

Jacob's chest tightened - It was happening again.

The sound of the busy department could be heard around him as he screwed his eyes closed, but it all blurred into nothing. All he could think about was the knowledge that things were slowly getting bad and he was feeling out of control. He needed to get out.

His legs guided him away from cubicles and into the empty staff room. With a shortness of breath, he pressed his forehead against the coolness of a locker and held a hand to his chest. His heart was pumping so hard.

 _You need Ethan._

No. He didn't need to hurt anybody. He didn't.

 _But you want to hurt him - or anybody - and you know it._

Jacob felt his thoughts plead to spill out of his mouth. Horrible fantasies of storming through the hospital ran through his mind; smashing computers, shouting until his throat was hoarse, hitting anyone who came near. The amazing release he'd get as soon as any of those things had been done. He wanted it. Needed, even.

"Jacob..."

He turned. Elle was looking at him with wide and concerned eyes, still quite a distance from him. Almost as if he was a grenade - she was wary that he was going to explode. He didn't blame her. He'd stay away from himself if that was possible. He felt like a human grenade and a monster all at the same time, and that made his heart hurt.

"I can't control it, Elle," Jacob said in a breaking voice. "I can't."

Elle said nothing, letting him step into her embrace and holding him tightly. Perhaps she hoped she could squeeze the anger and pain out. She couldn't. But it was nice to give it a go.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Ethan passed the staff room, his eyes widening. Elle and Jacob were hugging by the lockers, Jacob holding on for dear life with Elle's eyes looking glossier than ever. Ethan swallowed back the emotion in his throat.

"Doctor Hardy," Connie addressed, walking straight up to him. She looked him up and down for a second before saying: "We've got a resus case coming in, ETA about two minutes. 16-year-old girl, she's fallen from the sixth floor of a balcony. Not in a good way. She may need a thoracotomy. Are you up for it?"

Ethan looked at her nervously. "I... yeah. Sure."

He felt a warm hand on his shoulder. "Ethan, hang on."

Ethan promptly shrugged the hand off, recognising the voice. He turned to his brother, aiming a weak scowl at him. He was still upset with him. "What, Cal?"

Cal did one of those _'That Hurt Me But I'm Going To Pretend That It Did Not'_ type of looks. Ethan could've laughed at that pout but he was far too angry to.

"I could take the case, Mrs Beachamp," Cal said to Ethan's biggest annoyance. "It's just that I don't think-"

"You don't think I'm ready," Ethan interrupted, his voice poisonous. He felt an aching in his chest with the knowledge that even his own brother didn't think he could do anything right. "You never do!"

"It's not that, Ethan-"

"Would you two please cut it out! Doctor Hardy, if you feel you can do it, please go ahead." Connie looked at Cal with more gentleness than expected - understanding - but stayed firm. "Thank you for your offer, Doctor Knight, but I don't think you're needed here."

It seemed as though Connie had trust in Ethan. Whether that was a good or bad thing, Ethan didn't know. But whatever it was, Ethan needed to prove himself. And that was the perfect way to.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

The trolley rolled through the resus doors, a young lady laid on it with her eyes closed and blood trickling down her forehead. Sweat was rolling down Ethan's back and he felt a nervous warmth from the inside out. Swallowing, he said to the paramedics: "Bay three, please."

Iain obliged, parking the trolley in the bay and following Ethan's commands to pass her over to the bed. Ethan, Robyn, and Charlie got to work as soon as Iain departed, Jez in tow.

Ethan felt his throat getting tight and the room getting hot. Was it usually this warm? Perhaps global warming was happening for definite. It sure felt like it.

"Doctor Hardy," Called Robyn. Her face was a clear indication that she hadn't just called him the once. "Come on, what's next?"

"Uhm, she needs intubating...100% oxygen and ventilate," Ethan said nervously, doing his best to forget about his nerves. His eyes widened as he heard the monitor going off. "Right, she's gone into PEA. I... I need to do a thoracotomy."

"Do you know how?" Charlie questioned.

"Yeah," Ethan said quickly with a nod as an afterthought. Both Charlie and Robyn exchanged looks.

Ethan knew what those looks meant. They didn't think he was ready.

In all honesty, Ethan didn't think he was ready either.

But they didn't need to know that.

Ethan saw the milky white complexion on the poor girl's face. Beads of sweat stayed on her forehead which mixed with the blood from the wound in her brown hair. His throat closed. What if he messed up? She'd only lived a mere sixteen years, it would be devastating if she were to pass on if he made a fatal error. Which, Ethan thought, it was very likely he would do. After all, he was a bad doctor. He knew he was.

A clattering of metal distracted him.

"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry..." Robyn held a hand to her head and stumbled a little. The scalpel and scissors she'd been gathering had fallen to the floor.

Charlie looked over at Ethan, then to Robyn. "It's alright, Robyn, have you had enough sleep? Charlotte keeping you up?"

"Enough to survive, yes." Robyn said, gratefully holding onto Max who'd appeared by her side as soon as humanly possible.

"Meaning she got, like, two hours," Max said to Charlie with a roll of the eyes. "I'll take her out, concentrate on the patient."

The two left resus, Robyn holding onto Max who was rubbing her back and making her laugh. Ethan could've smiled, but he had work to do.

"We need another nurse," Ethan said, watching after Robyn.

"Yeah. Uh, Max, grab another nurse, would you?" Charlie called over. "Quickly, we need to start this."

Ethan looked down at the girl for a second whilst waiting for the nurse Charlie had called to enter. She was so, so young. He wondered how she'd even fallen in the first place despite the fact that it was irrelevant.

When Ethan looked back up again, he felt a sudden hit of fear at the face of the familiar nurse - Jacob.

Ethan desperately tried to gather composure but his eyes met the nurses'. Surprisingly, Jacob looked just as scared as Ethan.

That couldn't be good for either of them.


	9. Chapter 9

**Writergurl11** : _This update wasn't soon, but I'll try and hurry up with them for you! Thank you so much, and thank you also for your lovely review!_

 **Casslourrocks** : _Happy to hear you enjoyed the latest! And we'll have to see if they reach_ _breaking point or not, but you probably know my writing well enough by now to guess the answer. Aw and thank you. Hope you enjoy the next instalment and thank you for your review!_

 **Tracy's dream** : _That's really kind of you - thank you for your review!_

 **InfinityAndOne:** _It is good that he is. But unfortunately, there's a slip-up coming for poor Jacob. Everyone will be furious at him but, in actual fact, it's not his fault - he's ill. And obviously, Ethan is in absolute hell right now too, definitely! Them working together definitely isn't the best of ideas... Anyway, thank you for your review!_

 ** _.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-_**

It was clear what was going on as Jacob approached the bay beside Charlie and Ethan. Jacob's hands were trembling - even Ethan could see it. His face was unsure and his usually tall frame looked hunched. Their eyes met momentarily as Charlie spectated, but the eye contact broke quickly. It seemed too difficult to maintain.

The professional part of Ethan would've told Jacob to leave, tell him to go and calm down. Clearly, Jacob wasn't in a good state of mind. But Charlie hadn't noticed this. And perhaps Ethan only noticed that because he was looking for it. He knew Jacob so well. Though maybe he was mirroring Ethan's expressions. Nevertheless, he didn't look promising.

Then the other part of Ethan was just screaming that he felt terrified of the nurse - even after weeks of safety. Places where bruises used to be had begun to ache as if they'd only just been inflicted.

Ethan suddenly remembered that he was in Resus and hurriedly got to work.

"Okay. Uh... Obtain large-bore IV access two times. I need to, well, initiate massive transfusion protocol and commence resuscitation with blood products." Ethan said. _Come on, get in control._ "Charlie, please help me with that, and... Jacob, I need you to prepare the thoracotomy tray and."

Jacob nodded. He was progressively looking less frightened and more like he used to as Ethan's own mindset was clouded with both fear and worry. It was like watching Jacob's mind deteriorate in front of his own eyes. He seemed so, so, so furious.

And to top it off, just as he passed Ethan, he said: "I hope you know what you're doing."

Ethan breathed shakily. He prayed that wasn't meant to be spiteful. He didn't need Jacob to tear him down and he really didn't want Jacob to go downhill again. He'd been so happy earlier.

"Right. Uhm, I need to position the patient supine with the side to be operated on elevated to 15° by a wedge and the arm abducted."

"Good job," Charlie said, helping Ethan do so. In a trusting voice, he said: "Next?"

Ethan gave Charlie a look of complete appreciation that he couldn't voice. "Scalpel, please. I need to... incise through the skin and subcutaneous tissue in the 5th intercostal space." Ethan felt his heart hammering. "I don't know what else, Charlie-"

"I'm getting Connie," Jacob interrupted. His words were spiked with predictable hostility. "This patient will die if we let _him_ do this."

"Ethan can do it, Jacob," Charlie said with confidence. Ethan suddenly realized that Charlie wasn't as naive as he assumed - he understood the whole situation. Jacob's face darkened. Charlie fixed a look on Ethan said: "Follow my instructions, alright? Don't worry - I've seen more of these done than I've had hot dinners. Simply start from the costochondral's junction and continue to the midaxillary line. Follow the upper border of the sixth rib."

Ethan felt his eyes sting as he pressed the scalpel to the lady's skin, following Charlie's instructions word-by-word. He saw blood blossoming from the cut. "I use the inframammary fold as a guide, don't I?"

"Yes," Charlie said confidently. "See? You're doing very well."

Ethan managed to smile. God, Charlie deserved everything good in the world. "O-okay. Jacob - scissors, please?"

Jacob gave Ethan the scissors roughly. Ethan could see Jacob's anger with Charlie rocketing high and felt scared for the older nurses safety.

Suddenly, Ethan pictured a trail of bruises on Charlie's arm. They looked so real - like a warning of what the future foretold. Charlie couldn't get hurt! Not only would that be awful for Charlie, but it'd break Jacob.

There was a noise of a grunt and Ethan subsequently heard Charlie talking to him.

"Ethan! Are you just going to stare at it or are you going to do it?" Jacob hissed. Ethan suddenly realized that he'd been stuck in a trance.

Charlie looked at Jacob, but not at all angrily. "Jacob, we don't speak like that in here. Take a deep breath, please. You're alright. And Ethan, you _really do_ need to hurry up."

"Sorry, I'm really sorry, uh..." Ethan was feeling increasingly close to throwing his hands down and just giving in. But he couldn't - not with someone's life at stake. "Dividing the muscle, periosteum and parietal pleura in one layer with... scissors and blunt dissection-" Ethan's hands were shaking and they were too weak.

He could do this.

No, he couldn't.

He was kidding himself.

He couldn't do it.

He was useless.

Jacob and the little voice in the back of his head were right.

Ethan dropped the scissors onto the floor. They clattered loudly and echoed throughout the room. It caused a large amount of attention from others passing and the two nurses Ethan was trying to work with.

Then the monitor started going off.

Ethan took a staggering step back, his vision filled with tears. He could feel eyes on him and already feel his guilt multiply.

He just gave up! How could he give up on a life? No, no, don't-

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry... Charlie, I'm sorry..." Ethan felt his legs buckle and he fell to the floor.

He couldn't help it. He started crying pathetically into his hands and getting blood all over himself. All he could do was just sob harder and harder. It was no good. He was hopeless. And now he was being such a child in front of so many of his colleagues. His embarrassment was crippling but not as much as the anger he felt at himself.

"I told you he couldn't do it!" Jacob shouted furiously to Charlie. He snapped his head around and called through the resus doors. " _CAL_!"

Cal came bursting into Resus with a force. His eyes widened upon seeing his brother on the floor - absolutely crying his eyes out - and a patient on a bed who was rapidly declining.

"Cal, Charlie will talk you through it, I'll sort Ethan out," Jacob said. Charlie looked as though he wanted to swap roles with Jacob, but was far too busy trying to stabilise the patient and grab Cal's attention.

Cal immediately ran to the patient, his priorities intact. Ethan saw the faint indecision but knew that Cal trusted Charlie's judgment. Though it hurt; because he really needed his brother. But the patient needed Cal more because they were dying - Ethan wasn't. His own selfishness disgusted him to the very core. Ethan was forced to wipe away his own tears and trying desperately to calm down as Jacob approached him.

"Ethan?" Jacob knelt down, his hand resting on Ethan's shoulder.

"Don't!" Ethan shook him off, terrified. "G-go away!"

"You're on the floor crying in the middle of Resus, this is hardly professional!" Jacob said, his anger clearly getting the best of him as he glared at Ethan. "You're pathetic!"

"I know," Ethan whispered in a breaking voice, tears still running down his face. It was like Jacob was his internal monologue - perhaps that's what he'd become.

"You know that you'll never be good at your job," snapped Jacob. "Never. That patient is going to die because you're not man enough to treat her."

 **.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-**

Ethan looked at Jacob with a heartbroken look on his face and then Jacob felt his insides shatter.

He'd done it again.

Guilt filled him immediately - but before Jacob could say a word, Ethan had gotten up from the floor. He stood, trembling against a unit, and scratched at his sleeved arms anxiously.

"I k-know, I know," Ethan said and looked far more haunted than before. He was breathing hard. Jacob's eyes looked at Ethan's hands, which were scratching the insides of his arms without his realizing.

Jacob put his hands to his head. "I'm so stupid, I didn't mean to shout, God, I didn't..."

"Not your fault," Ethan said. He scratched deeper - it was as if it was subconscious. "Jacob, don't be upset."

"I'm not upse - Oh, Ethan, stop! You're hurting yourself!" Jacob tore Ethan's hands away from what he was doing.

But it made everything escalate to a whole new level.

"Don't touch me!" Ethan took in a sharp exhale but didn't seem to be breathing out properly. "Get... get away, don't-"

"No, no! I didn't mean-"

Jacob was cut off. Ethan exited Resus hurriedly. Cal had just finished with the patient and was seconds from approaching, but Ethan was gone in a blink. Instead of going after him, Cal - and a large majority of Resus - just stared. No eyes moved from Ethan's back. Seconds seemed to turn to hours until the attention finally diverted to Jacob. It was a different sort of attention.

With Ethan, they pitied him and they were embarrassed for him. But with Jacob, they seemed to hate him.

Why is everything so isolating now? Why does nobody _understand_?

As expected, Cal put his attention _straight_ at Jacob. And he didn't seem understanding. He seemed furious.

"What did you say?" Cal questioned. He strode toward Jacob, his face clouded with anger as he screeched at the nurse: "OI, WHAT DID YOU SAY TO HIM?!"

"I... I didn't mean it, Cal-"

"It's all your fault, Jacob!" Cal shouted. "All yours!"

 ** _.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-_**

Ethan was shaking.

He still had blood stains on his scrubs and some drying in his hair from where he'd run his hands through it nervously. Everyone seemed to stare and whisper. But nobody came over, nobody tried to help and everybody seemed more intent on shouting at Jacob - who'd done nothing completely wrong, anyway! That wasn't fair.

He paced the staff room back and forth; it was the only safe place he could think of. His nails scratched down his arms as though they had a mind of their own, intensifying in speed and roughness as time passed.

He'd almost killed a patient. A sixteen-year-old girl. If Charlie hadn't been there, Ethan would've ended up panicking and messing up the entire procedure. He'd be a murderer. He hadn't actually completed the procedure. What if Cal hadn't managed to save the girl? What if she'd died? What then?

Ethan felt tears roll steadily down his face. There was a lot of commotion coming from Resus and a voice shouting sounded like Jacob. But there was another, too. Ethan recognized that voice - Cal.

A horrific thought spring into Ethan's mind; What if Jacob was hurting Cal? Or what if Cal was hurting _Jacob_?!

Arms wrapped around him. Ethan's heart leapt as he thought it was the brother he was so concerned about was behind him. But a quick turn of the head made him see that it was not, they were too short to be Cal and had too much of a soft voice.

"Calm down, sweetheart, it's okay."

It sounded like Duffy. Ethan sniffed as she came out from behind him. She immediately took his hands in her own gentle ones. His arms vaguely stung, and as Duffy was staring at them in such a concerned way, he could tell that they looked bad. Blood was beginning to appear.

"Oh, you're bleeding. I need to sort out these scratches, okay? They might get infected otherwise." Duffy said it in a specific voice which was as soft as cotton sheets felt.

Ethan immediately trusted her. He found himself on the sofa in a matter of seconds, her hands on his arms as she got a medical kit out of nowhere and sorted it out. It hurt a little. But Ethan realised he could only focus on the noise from resus, the stressfulness of the staff hurrying in and out, not to mention his intense worry for his brother.

He looked down at his scratches. They were steadily bleeding now. In a trance again, he ran his fingers down his arms and looked when blood appeared on them. It was such a rich red.

"No, no, don't do that," Duffy stopped him, pulling his hands gently away. He flinched but then registered how doing that had actually _hurt_ \- badly. "Let me fix it. You mustn't do that, my darling."

Ethan looked at her, ashamed of himself. "Sorry."

"What for, hey?"

"Everything."

"Oh, Ethan... here," Duffy sighed, her eyes wide and pitying (but he didn't want her sympathy - nor did he deserve it), and then passed him a tissue. Ethan held it in his hand for a minute, trying to remember what he did with it. Oh, right. Eyes.

"I didn't mean to cry so much," Ethan sniffed, feeling himself burn with more embarrassment. Now her professional opinion of him would always be tainted. He hated himself for ruining it.

"Don't apologize, it's natural," Duffy said kindly. She smiled when he tried to give the tear-sodden tissue back to her and telling him that he could keep it.

Ethan bit his lip and tried to stop crying. But every time he got himself under control, he would remember the reasons he was crying in the first place. All he could think about was Cal.

What if he was hurt?

That was all Ethan needed to think before he sprung up from the sofa, making Duffy drop his arms (which she'd been examining for quite a long time for some reason) and gasp a little in surprise.

"Ethan-"

"I need to see Cal, I need to know he's okay," Ethan said breathlessly.

"You can! Just not yet," Duffy got up from the sofa and took a cautious step closer to him. "I just want to have a talk with you, okay?"

"Talk? What talk?" Ethan asked, wiping his still wet eyes with his palms. "Can I just go, please?"

Duffy sighed regretfully. "I saw some older scratches on your arms," She paused briefly. "I need to ask this and you need to tell me the truth - have you hurt yourself before?"

Ethan swallowed. He didn't know what to say. Not the truth; she wouldn't get it. So he didn't say a word. Instead, he turned and left the room, only echoes of her voice calling desperately after him.

 **.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-**

Cal was filled with anger.

He couldn't deny it; he couldn't hide it, either. It was written on his face and filling his fists, which were shaking with complete fury. All he wanted to do was launch a punch at Jacob's stomach. But he didn't. Instead, he sent violent words instead of the corporal punishment he longed to give out. Because Jacob might be hurting, but he'd hurt his little _brother_. And nobody got away with that.

At that point, Resus was cleared out. Security was close to being called and Connie had joined them.

"These arguments in Resus have got to _stop_ , Jacob," Connie said. She turned her eyes toward Cal. "You too, don't you even dare to-"

"No, Connie, he's... look, why can't you leave your nasty words unsaid, huh?" Cal questioned Jacob furiously, his fists shaking by his sides. "I don't understand"

Connie ran a hand through her hair, which was loose from its ponytail. Her face was painted with frustration. "This is unprofessional, please, resume this argument elsewhere."

Her words were unheard. "Yeah, exactly, you don't understand. And I didn't mean to hurt him, Cal! I was trying to help after I... sorted myself," Jacob said. His anger was gone by now - almost transported to Cal instead. All that filled Jacob was guilt, regret, and agitation at Cal, who was seemingly not giving up anytime soon.

"But you did! Why couldn't you have just left the room an-"

"What's it anything to do with you, anyway?" Jacob said. He was getting frustrated again. His blood was pumping in his ears and the world seemed to be a thousand degrees too hot. "I said some things I shouldn't and I'm sorry. I was angry! Please, Cal, can you just give me a break? I've had a crap enough day without you giving me this!"

"It's all about you, isn't it?" Cal shouted. Visibly, he was shaking. "What about _me_ , too? Any idea how much I've had to put up with my own brother in pieces because of the horrendous abuse that went unnoticed for three months?! No? No, cause you don't have a single clue, Jacob."

"Doctor Knight!" Connie's voice could rise far higher than Cal's, which she demonstrated. It caused them both to acknowledge her presence, and not a moment too soon. "Staff Nurse Masters! Stop this, right now, before I call security."

Jacob took in trembly breaths, looking at the floor. One, two, three, four, one, two, three, four, calm down, calm down.

"I'm sorry, Connie..." Jacob said, desperately trying to keep himself calm. "I'm leaving," he turned to Cal and added: "Maybe you should think about cooling off."

"Don't you DARE patronise me!" Cal yelled, completely shaking with anger. Whilst Jacob was sorting himself out, Cal was only getting more and more maddened.

"And don't you dare set me off!" Jacob warned. "I know what you're doing; you're trying to make me angry so I'll hurt you, and then you'll get me suspended. It's all so I can stay away from your brother, isn't it?" Jacob gave Cal a knowing look. "I know your game."

"No!" Cal shook his head. "I wouldn't."

"Yeah, you would. Or, you'd like me to get suspended or punished, unintentionally or intentionally!" Jacob swallowed hard. "Because you want to punish me, don't you?"

Cal's eyes shone and his anger slipped away.

"Knew it."

"I'm sorry, Jacob, okay?" Cal said. As an afterthought, he added: "But if it was your brother, you'd do the exact thing."

"Maybe I would."

"No, you definitely would," Cal said. "I'd take a knife for him, so I'll take a punch from you."

Jacob shook his head. "Stop it. Look, please understand, Cal - I'm _unwell_ , alright? I didn't choose to be this way. And, actually, I don't think I'm the only one."

"I'm not ill, what are you-"

"Not you," Jacob said, turning to finally depart the room. "And you know exactly who I mean."

 **A/N:** _Next chapter_ _very_ _soon, I mean it this time! And don't worry - I'll cool off with the emotional-ness a little._


	10. Chapter 10

**InfinityAndOne:** _It definitely was big of Jacob. And it's hard to not be angry with him because he did do wrong, but he's trying. Cal has noticed that Ethan isn't well, you're right, and that's very fortunate. And you're a bit of a hotshot at looking into the future, that's kind of what I planned Duffy doing beforehand! Anyway, thank you for your review!_

 **Guest:** _Thank you for the encouragement, kind words and the review, very much appreciated! Hope you enjoy._

 **(guest) A:** _Yay, that's good! Thank you for your review!_

 **CBloom:** _You're the third person who has noticed that line, I'm glad you did! Definitely, me too. And we'll see what happens, it's a bit different. I wanted to calm things down a little - but that's not to say that people won't see Ethan as he really is! Thank you for your review!_

 **Casslourocks:** _Thank you, I write enough emotional-ness so I'd hope I'm not too bad at it! And I took a slightly different direction, but there's definitely time for a bit of Superman Cal, don't worry I'll do my best. He's struggling a bit more than he lets on, too, so I was eager to include a few of his thoughts in there. Yep, definitely, that line was too soon... I agree, and I was the one who put it in, oops! So sad. Anyway, thank you for your review and everything, here's the next chapter!_

 **A/N:** _Trigger warning for a few brief suicide mentions - but nothing big, don't worry._

 **.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-**

Jacob found him in an unexpected place. It was on the back side of the hospital, nearer the location of the Darwin wards and AAU. The roof had only one lonely occupant, plus a few pigeons, whose back is to Jacob. He was sitting on the very edge of the roof, his legs dangling over the edge. With his hands firmly grasping on, he - fortunately - didn't look precarious. But he did look deep in thought. Jacob watches as the breeze wafts through the figure's blond hair and makes his clothing blow before deciding to approach.

Without a doubt, Jacob knew it was Ethan sitting there.

He walked across the ground quietly. The only thing his focus was on Ethan, the lonely figure on the edge of the roof. His eyes fixated on him. With hardly a breath, he reached his destination. He was right behind Ethan, just watching over his shoulder.

As quietly as humanly possible, wishing not to startle him, he took another step forward and was about to clear his throat when Ethan beat him to it.

"You better not have hurt my big brother."

Jacob hadn't expected that. He'd been expecting a flinch or a desperate begging for him to get away. But he didn't. Ethan sounded remarkably calm.

"No," Jacob said. "I wouldn't dream of it. But he is a bit upset - well, very upset. Could you have a word with him? I think he wants to know you're okay."

Ethan didn't turn to look at him or reassure anything. He didn't clear up why he's up there, in such a worrying position - leaving Jacob to make his own theories. Instead, he kept facing front as if there was something very interesting straight ahead that required his full attention. "I'll let him calm down first."

"Alright. Your choice."

"Yeah," Ethan said. He did look calm, but Jacob could read Ethan well enough - they'd been through enough shit together, willingly or unwillingly - to tell that he was terrified for Cal's safety inside. "But you promise he's not hurt?" And that sentence confirmed it.

"I promise," Jacob said. He hoped his tone was enough reassurance to keep Ethan as calm as he already was. "Now, let's get off this roof and grab a coffee or something."

"Don't fancy one."

"Ethan-"

"You can sit with me if you want," Ethan interrupted. "It'll stop you standing there all awkward-like."

Jacob raised his eyebrow, sceptical. "Uh. Sure," Jacob said. He looked down at the sheer drop below, where a single slip could be catastrophic. How did this not concern Ethan, a severe acrophobic? Jacob lowered himself beside Ethan, letting a small distance come between. "So. What're you doing up here?"

"Wanted some quiet," Ethan said. Jacob knew him well enough to realize that that was the truth and he wasn't up there with any worrying intent. "I wasn't going to chuck myself off, if that's what you're thinking."

Jacob wondered if Ethan could read minds - it did seem like it. "I wasn't thinking that."

"Liar."

"Okay, okay. Maybe I am. But you can see why I would, can't you?"

Ethan nodded, not at all hesitant. "Yeah."

"I'm glad we're on the same page, then," Jacob said. He faced forward. There was nothing particularly interesting ahead of them, just numerous leering buildings and cars travelling down the gravel road. But it was easier than facing each other.

"Are you up here to do that?"

"Do what?"

"To jump off," Ethan elaborated, much too laid back about the concept of suicide than he probably should be. "Were you going to do that?"

"Uh, no. I definitely wouldn't want to do that, Ethan."

Ethan nodded. "Oh. Okay."

Jacob turned to look at him but got no response back. He watched Ethan's face, which hardly changed. "You okay?"

"Not really," Ethan said. "But let's not talk about it. Just... look at the building over there for a while. It'll be easier."

So Jacob did. And alas, Ethan was right - it was easier. But that didn't mean that ignoring the issue was the right thing to do.

But neither was in a good enough headspace yet to recognise this, so they stared ahead at the greyness of the outside world and stayed silent like it was their day job.

 **.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-**

Five missed calls. Eleven texts. One voicemail and another abandoned which he'd lost the courage to finish. For goodness sake, he even sent an e-mail and he hadn't done one of those since 2014. But no reply. Ethan still hadn't replied.

"I'm going to give all of you three a week off."

Cal looked up from his phone quickly. He'd forgotten he was in Connie's office just then. "No, no, you don't have to do that."

"I think I do," Connie said. "You're stressed, I can see it in your face. What you did in Resus was a clear reflection of how you're feeling on the inside - shattered in every respect."

"I'm actually fine, really. A good nights sleep and I'll be good as new."

"Really?" Connie sounded challenging. "And when was the last time you got one of those?"

Cal pretended _not_ to have to think very hard. He barely remembered, but Connie didn't have to know that. "Last night."

"I'm not stupid."

"I never said that you were."

"Listen to me, Doctor Knight," Connie looked Cal up and down. He didn't reply, his eyes glued back to his phone. " _Caleb._!"

"Yes, I'm listening! Go on."

Connie released a long, drawn-out sigh. It sounded like a sigh from someone who was giving up. Cal immediately felt guilty and looked up at her, only to see that she certainly wasn't as exhausted as she portrayed.

"Those sighs always make people pay attention."

"Clever," Cal said. "Anyway, what am I listening to?"

"Me. Your boss," Connie said, her sternness, filling her face and her voice. "Here's what you're going to do - find your brother, then find Jacob. Apologize to Jacob, he'll apologize to you, then all three of you go home. You and Ethan have two weeks off. I'll find cover. Then, you're both going to see someone alongside your brother."

Most of Connie's action plan sounded fine, but he wasn't at all keen on the last bit. "Both of us? No, no - Ethan, I understand, he definitely does need counselling or... or whatever it is they do. And he will. Well, if I can drag him there. But I don't need it."

"Oh, I... I'm never going to leave this office, am I? Right, Caleb, listen closely. Things can't go on like this. Both Jacob and your brother can't look at eachother without having a meltdown, and that's clearly affecting you. Victims of abuse and perpetrators are both... in need of help, but so are relatives of victims of abuse when they are affected so much. It's taken a toll on your own mental health."

Cal stayed silent. He hated to think. It was an absolute torture. He didn't want to think about the nights he'd stayed awake, just waiting for Ethan to cry out in the dead of the night so he could immediately rush to him. Nor did he want to remember the times that he'd spent minutes, hours on end, just making sure Ethan was okay and staying by him because he didn't trust him to be fine on his own. He'd held Ethan countless times, he'd made himself the number one port of call, but it hurt! It hurt to see his younger brother like that. And it was a feeling he'd lived with for as long as he'd known about what happened between Jacob and Ethan.

He wanted the feeling to go away - to stop panicking about Ethan getting hurt again, to quit his worries, to be able to sleep just one night without thinking something awful was going to happen to the one he cares about most. But it seemed so far away. So, so far away.

"Here," Connie held out a tissue. "You know I'm right."

Cal vaguely registered something hot running down his cheek, but they only started more when she gave him the tissue. "Thank you. Maybe... maybe you're right," Cal screwed his eyes closed, desperately trying to hold back everything. "God, why can't everything go back to how it was?! I thought when Jacob stopped hurting Ethan, we'd both be fine! That... that we'd be okay," Cal looked down at his feet, his vision blurred by a haze of tears. "But we're not, are we? Not even me."

"At this point, it's fairly obvious that one of you three are alright," Connie said. "You know, a lot of hospitals would just give you all a leaflet and sent you off to therapy without a second thought, but this one won't. We're standing by you all, okay? You will be alright. I promise you that. Us at Holby survive anything - chuck us off a cliff, crash a helicopter into the hospital, give us life-threatening injuries and make us deal with the trauma... and we come back stronger than ever."

Cal finally looked up at Connie. He gave her a grateful smile, knowing his tears had stemmed by pure willpower. She was such a clever woman, and he didn't just know that from her respected job title. In so many ways, she was supremely intelligent. "Thank you, Connie. Really."

"It's my job," Connie said. It wasn't, not really, but Cal didn't say anything. "That and treating patients, which I really must get on with. Right, you, out of my office. Have a little break before you find Ethan, you're owed it."

Cal nodded, trusting Connie. Her judgement was something he tended to will against, but this time he knew she was right. She had to be - because Mrs Beachamp didn't tell lies. "I will."

Connie gave him a bob of the head. It was a clear signal he was excused. Cal got up and made his way out, leaving Connie alone. She followed him out a few moments later and passed him, but surprisingly patted his shoulder as she went off confidently - perpetually the formidable ice queen. But she did have feelings and she did know how to help others deal with their own. And that gave Cal a whole new perspective on her.

"Everything alright?"

It was Charlie. Of course, it was. Usually, that was where Cal would answer with 'completely', shrug his shoulders, smile and then pretend to get on with work. But he didn't want to do that.

"Not really," Cal said. "Can we sit together?"

Charlie must've been surprised by Cal's vulnerability, having never seen it much, but he didn't show it. Perhaps he'd been expecting it. "Of course we can."

With that, Charlie takes Cal under his arm and they walk off to the haven of the staff room.

 **.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-**

It felt like hours before Jacob finally remembered what they were doing and where they were. In the silence, it was easy to forget about little things called conversations or doing anything. Your mind gets lost. Surprisingly, the fresh air was intoxicating and the silence became refreshing. Life without sound seemed simpler - no-one to answer to, nothing hard to say. But it didn't last forever.

"What do we do now?"

Jacob wished he knew the answer. Truly, he did. In that moment, he missed the silence of not having to think up difficult things to say. "Go downstairs and face everyone, I suppose."

Ethan sighed. "Not sure we can do that."

"Not on our own," Jacob said. "But... but we can go in together if you want? Don't worry - they'll all be mad at me, not you."

Ethan turned to look at Jacob. Suddenly, he seemed enraged. "They shouldn't be! God, they shouldn't be. Why is this place so bad at dealing with... any illness that isn't physical?"

"They're getting better. A lot better, actually," Jacob said with conviction. He tentatively put his hand on Ethan's shoulder with full knowledge he'd get shrugged off. But he didn't. Ethan let it stay on. "Cal's going to lose his head if he sees you on this roof."

"He's already lost his head," Ethan said. His short-lived anger disappeared, now replaced with a sadness. "I think we all have, at this point. You know, I don't talk much anymore - so he's started talking to himself. Like, ' _oh, we've run out of milk - I need to buy more. But it has to be the green labelled stuff because the blue one is disgusting_ '. It's honestly weird."

Jacob chuckled. "Hey, he's not lost his head. He's just lonely - probably cause he misses his brother," Jacob looked at Ethan again, his hand slipping off his shoulder. "Hey, at least you've both got something in common."

Ethan didn't say anything for a while after that. Neither did. It was like Jacob said something which shouldn't have been said. But it was only the truth, after all. Cal missed Ethan, Ethan missed Cal, and Jacob missed normality. And missing things make you change.

Alright, enough thinking. Jacob gazed out at the landscape before them for the millionth time. It was still uninteresting. Bleak colours, tall buildings, signposts, passing cars which couldn't quite see them, a gloomy sky above them and clouds covering the sun. Nothing of any interest.

A noise breaks the barrier of silence. It's the sound of a sniff from Ethan. Jacob turned, alarmed, at the same time Ethan turned away. But Jacob had seem his face before he could hide it, and he'd seen his brown eyes were glossy with tears and his forehead was creased.

"Oh, mate..."

"J-Jacob, can we please go inside now?"

Jaco really hadn't expected Ethan to cry, not when he seemed so calm. But he nodded at him in reassurance. "We can do whatever you want to do."

Ethan rested his elbows on his knees and buried his face in his hands. In a weak and muffled voice, he said into his hands: "Cal's probably so worried, isn't he?"

"He is," Jacob said, judging it best to be honest. "But isn't that what siblings are meant to do anyway?"

Ethan nodded, lifting his head. Quickly, he wiped under his eyes. "Y-yeah. I think it is. Oh, God, sorry about... whatever that was."

"Don't you even dare apologize, a number of times we've cried in front of eachother is reaching the millions," Jacob said. He said it as if it was no big deal - which it wasn't. "Alright. What do you want to do?"

"Uhm... can we go and see him, please?"

"You don't have to ask. Come on, let's go in."

Ethan got up first and then, slightly warily, helped Jacob up. It seemed to be strange to have any physical contact that wasn't violent - because that was what they were so used to. Jacob rubbed Ethan's shoulder again but his eyes fell down to his arms.

"Just to let you know, your arms are bleeding like hell. What happened?"

"I know," Ethan said. He spoke with a genuine guilt which rested on his drooping shoulders. "I did it. I... I did it. Duffy already saw. Just hoping she doesn't call psych of anything," Ethan suddenly cut himself short. With horror and crippling guilt, he looked into Jacob's eyes. "Oh, Cal's going to be so mad when he sees what I did to them, isn't he? He's going to see!"

"Hey, hey, calm down! It's alright. He's probably too upset to deal with it today, but you can tell him another day. He's your brother, he won't be angry - just concerned."

In all honesty, Jacob hadn't suspected self-harm; and he especially hadn't thought Ethan was going to admit that that's what it was. But he did, and it gave him a weird feeling. Like someone was twisting his stomach and squeezing his heart only slightly. Jacob didn't like that feeling.

"You don't know my brother."

Jacob smiled. "I do. You'll see I'm right."

Ethan looked down and sighed. Both began their descent to the roof door, ready to go through corridors, lifts, hallways, seas of people and more until they reached their destination.

They'd both gone down some steps, a hallway and were awaiting a lift when Jacob looked at Ethan. "Here."

"Sorry, what?"

Jacob began to take his Holby City hoodie off. "Put this on for a bit. The last thing you need is people panicking about your arms today, just wear this. Then you can tell Cal about it when you get home and he'll clean the wounds for you." Ethan looked like he was going to refuse the hoodie, so Jacob increased his persistence.

"Hey, go on. I don't bite. You can have it and bring it back later."

"Are you sure you don't mind?"

"100%. Go on."

Carefully, Ethan took it and put it on. It seemed like it hurt, the fabric rubbing against the scratches, by the look of hidden pain on his face which wasn't all that hidden. "Thank you, Jacob."

They both got in the empty lift. "Nah, thank you. I'm glad," Jacob paused for only two seconds before he blurted: "Ethan, can we just be friends?"

"Swift subject change. You sound about eleven years old," Ethan said, but he smiled. It wasn't said in a spiteful way, but he wasn't energetic enough to say it jokingly as he meant it. But Jacob understood. He always understood. "Yeah. I'd like that. But you know we're probably going to have more days like this, don't you?"

Jacob nodded. He was definitely aware of that fact. "Yeah. And I'm ready for them"

Ethan gave Jacob a look unlike one he'd ever been given before. It was something of fondness - not of fear, anger, sadness or desperation. He seemed happy and comfortable - not entirely, but it'd come - and that made Jacob happy.

They both stood in silence. It was easier to. But it wasn't so hard to just talk to eachother anymore as it did perhaps a few moments ago - and that felt like a weight was lifted. The silence was nice, though this comfortable silence was better.

 **A/N:** _More soon._


End file.
